I have a feeling I can relate to what you are talking about. I don't know. Here's where I'm at. I struggle (20 yrs later) even today with the fact that I participated in a rape. I was not an active participent, but I did what I didn't want to and I did it repeatedly. I gave in to pressure, I didn't walk away, and I came back for more sexual abuse and rape. I feel weak even today for what happened so long ago. I was 15 yrs. old. With my T things are starting to be worked on. Retraining my brain to stop beating myself up mentally. It has not been successful yet, But my T says 20 years of negative can't be overcome in 5 sessions. Find a good T. Give in to the process hang on for life and the Lord will hold your hand and pull you threw.