I do not even know where to begin. I guess with the following: at work, I have been doing very detail-oriented work. I have not purchased anything without thought. I am trying to be rational. So all in all, I do not think I am in frank hypomania.

2 years ago, for a very short while, I was a member of a dating site. There I "met" - in a friendly rather than romantic way - a guy. He is a psychiatrist and lives in SF. We have talked on the phone may be 5-7 times total. We have never met. I quit paying for the dating site and have not come back; I do not have intentions to date online whether on that site or elsewhere. That guy - I approached him because I was curious due to his profession, not because I liked his pictures. In fact, his pictures are very honest - they do not conceal the fact that he is fat (large belly and pretty much that is it).

Not only were his pictures honest but so was he over the phone. He told me how stressful and unsuccessful the dating search was and even called it an unending quest for a p...y. He even told me that at times he considered hiring a prostitute (my understanding was he that he did not follow through). He also told me about his MI, although I did not get what he has - depression or BP.

He emailed me a few times and his userid is his real name. I just looked up his LinkedIn profile and the resume matches what he describes as his current workplace. He went to Harvard, according to LinkedIn. Clearly, it does not buy one happiness...

He knows a bit about my quirks and history but not too much. He strongly recommended that I seek advice of a particular local guru in all things bipolar but I did not; I found help elsewhere.

We would talk every few months - that infrequently. When I was in my depression, it did not occur to me to call him and seek some help; interestingly.

Then a few days ago I received a newsletter from Psych Central. There was an interview with the Michelle, the Fat Nutriotionist. I became very curious about her, read her blog, liked her cute, smart face and what she does, and was INSTANTLY hooked. Among the articles Michelle reviews was one that questioned the "calories in, calories out" idea. I recalled that A. - the name of the psychiatrist - told me of another guy, Gary Taubes, who questions this idea (in a different way), and decided to email him about her. I wrote that she is one smart cookie and I recommend he read her. He replied with "when can I see you?".

Now that is new - in the beginning we decided that we would not see one another but would be friends over the phone.

That email with "when can I see you?" arrived at 10 sharp. My smartphone which I now keep next to my bed because it functions as an alarm beeped and I read the email. Normally I do not respond to email at that hour. I emailed him back (IMMEDIATELY) with "I work now, so weekends only", he emailed me back equally immediately with his phone number and a request to call now. I did. This is past 10, when I am supposed to be asleep. Going to sleep at 10 was THE priceless advice of my previous p-doc and I consider it no less important than the chemical agents. During this conversation, I tell him about my new work, about my trouble with staying awake at work... etc. etc. down to the fact that due to Geodon I can't come. The whole nine yards, yes. All my side effects. He becomes curious that Geodon can do it to you, very curious, and then asks "but how, how?" I respond with "via masturbation". Then he offers his help.

Then he tells me about his life. He used to be strongly suicidal, but about a year and some more ago a good mix of meds was found for him so he is not, but he still feels lonely and friendless (I found this word touching). I told him that he should not feel lonely, he deserves better...

So we are basically having here a support group of two obese mentally ill people "with benefits". I told you it would be a hilarious read...

For those of you who have read my thread on sexual attractiveness and fat, now that I am into the Fat Nutritionist Blog, I do not obsess so much. But with A., this would have been a complete non-issue because in comparison I am not fat but merely saftig. He does not know I carry excess weight due to meds, btw. He himself, unlike me, has been a fat kid since early on (I was a thin kid, a gymnast - a completely different story) but medications probably add to his weight. If I understood him correctly in one of prior conversations, he even considered going off them in order to lose weight.

I am all enthused now that I have read about discrimination of fat people and I am (this is completely serious) excited to give a guy some less intimate (no fluid exchange, of course) forms of sex to fight this discrimination he has been facing all along. So we have got two people one of whom is ready to help with a sexual side effect of a drug (I do not believe he can, btw) and the other willing to fight the effects of discrimination. I told you it would be a hilarious read, once again.

After the phone conversation, I could not fall asleep. It was weird - I practiced deep breating in a perfectly calm way but still could not fall asleep. I did not want to risk a ruined w/e so I tooked Zyprexa PRN and it worked beautifully. I had really restful sleep and was not groggy in the morning. Did lots of laundry and kept thinking whether I should indeed go on a date with him as we agreed on Saturday or chicken out.

Then I open my inbox and see two emails neatly stacked one on top of another - from A. and from D. D writes neutrally about his day; A, about his excitement - he is going to see me. I get a kick. I think to myself - is it the number (more than one)? If it is the number, what would be the ideal number for me to really feel great? 5? The excitement wears off; it is shallow - I do not think it defines my life, but it was there for a moment.

I am still thinking and I am still unsure. I am also unsure as to what/when/if at all to tell my ex-husband. When I was daydreaming about D., it did not occur to me to run the idea by my ex-husband first because D "predates" him by 10 years - my relationship with D. is something old and sacred. But here... just yesterday my ex-husband, who has sole custody, was commenting how he could have gotten a girlfriend but does not do it for the sake of the kids. And here I am, playing around. I feel bad. I feel like telling him before someone sees me with A. and tells him - I do not want that scenario at all. Of course, if all I do is visit A at home, I can keep things completely private. Right now, I think that it is rational to first meet A., decide whether I want to go any place with him, and THEN think about what to tell my ex-husband.

Does that strike you as reasonable? Thank you for your wisdom - I know you will give me perspectives I cannot possibly embrace now on my own and will look out for me. Thanks.