The short story:

Joint pain, right now in both knees and hips is keeping me up. The only meds that work when its this acute is my 10/325 percocet. Both a blessing and curse, opiods make me energetic and restless. What a desperately need is sleep- and lacking a solid long term treatment plan I try to ration out the strong stuff for when I have work that needs doing, also my script is low and insurance is lapsed. I already missed 2 weeks of work because of two separate unrelated bacterial infections (wacky sinus/ear/bronc stuff I didnt get since grade school ) I'm exhausted, I just need to sleep, tried my herbs, creams and all else and I'm at the end of my rope knowing tomorrow will be another hazy mess

The long-er story:
26, f. Joint pain since early puberty, migraines since I could say "head ache" migraines are actually a non-issue now, tapered off in my 20s and since starting CYMbalta two years ago I get maybe just 3 a year if I Void triggers The joint pain has gotten steadily worse since I was 21 though 15 was a bad year. Went through the rheumatoid, lyme, fybro, lupus clusterf* and no one knows what's up... Hips, wrists, knees really everything except the spine (thank god!) I get a malar rash, rash on my fingers, swelling, regularly elevated fevers and tiny borderline Ana but docs flipflop onwhether or not to give me meds for lupus. No health insurance for about 4 months now. For 2 months my fingers were so swollen I couldn't button clothes. I'm tired all the time. No one understands. I used to hike, run, swim, do cartwheels across a lawn. I can barely walk for more than an hr. Worse is siting or standing, every joint is tense, only lying down is comfortable.. I feel like I'm 70 yrs old. Both opiods and NSAIDs make me to neuaseas to eat or cramp and bloat too bad to enjoy food. I've lost a dream career in part to this, in part to my I ability to cope with the "this" emotionally. No one understands. For the last 2 years I have pain at least 5/7 days. I try keeping a pain diary but it makes me too sad. When I have a good day it's bittersweet because I remember who I used to be before. I used to care that maybe people thought this was all on my head.. But now I don't even care. I'd be happy if someone told me this was a psychological problem as long as someone could help me fix it.. I've tried to figure out how people get diagnosed with somatic disorders and how it's treated.. This is really hard without insurance :-/ id be happy with even half the mobility that I had just 5 yrs ago. I'm scared about what that means for 5 years from now. I'm afraid I won't be able to ever carry a child; that my partner will leave me. If even half the pain were to go away, or even just to have a handful of extra good days...
I often go to bed hoping just not to wake up. I don't want to kill myself, just not waking up one morning sounds more realistic than magically waking up all better- it feels like most realistic thing left to pray for. I know I'm weak for that- people do more than me who suffer in ways I can't imagine, I just know it's getting to be too much for me.

Ive never posted anything like this before... I just needed to get it out I guess