Today I had a weird dissociation spells while my six year old niece was jumping all over me. It's really hard for me to deal with her age, because she is right at the age the abuse started for me. The size of her body, while I can look at it, when I feel it, I start to feel that small again. So I start to dissociate every time she goes to wrap my arms around her (she's a very touchy feely kid). And I hate that I can't stay present... I feel like I'm ignoring her to some extent or I'm distant and I am.

I talked about this with my therapist and she said six year olds should not be climbing all over adults. But I tend to disagree. I am cold and bitter because my parents never let me touch them. My niece gets a lot of affection from my sister in law and her whole family, and from me. But the rest of my family doesn't touch her. When she gets too buggy I do ask her to stop, like if it's hot out, or if she's hurting me, but I never ask her to stop because I am having flashbacks. How would I explain that?

Tonight my mom was rubbing my nieces feet and I was so jealous. My mom will barely touch me. The other week I was in the ER and I was really out of it, and I was facing a lot of stuff and I was so weak and I reached my hand through the bars of the bed and reached for her hands and she pulled away. I was so out of it. Enough to even want my mom at all. But some part wanted my mom, and she totally rejected them. That was basically my entire childhood too. So I was really jealous to see my niece get that kind of attention from my mom. Maybe jealous isn't the right word. Envious? I don't know.