Hi kirk...welcome.

Sounds like you had a lengthy and complex relationship with a therapist you really cared about. And it sounds as though he really cared about you as well. Cutting off the relationship is difficult for everyone, but an 18yr relationship must be quite awful.

Maybe you can begin to list all the positive things you have achieved in therapy. Add to the list daily when you think of things. Keep it close by, like on your phone. It's a grieving process, don't try to rush thru it.