Thank you very much for your answer.
I am confused. If this is what is happening to me, grieving, then I never grieved before in my 59 years long life. For days I have been crying like a tsunami almost all the time, and it seems as if it will never stop. I thought I was crying because of the failed goodby-session where no feelings occured and was a rushed let's-get-this-finished-and-go-home thing. That this was the last I had with him. And that we both accepted that. I am in despair for that too. I am afraid that this prevents me from start grieving. But maybe you are right that I am also grieving because I burst into tears when I read in your answer, that I had cared about him and he had cared about me.
I can't get hold of it. It is a new and extremely violent experience for me. I can't do anything. I can't go out and I can't concentrate on anything. I can't eat. I try, but I can't. I have lost 4 kilos in five days. So I only weigh 52 kilos now. Also I don't know who to talk to since it is about my therapist. I don't want to involve others in that relationship or the therapy at all. Even after it is over I feel it is important to keep the therapy between him and me. It took me two days to decide to write to this forum. I just had to do something. Cause I am so afraid to fall apart being alone with this. I am afraid what this will do to me.