(((Rose))),

You made progress, and I have a tandom thread where I am feeling the same way. That not being heard and validated really affects me as well. It is a sensitivity that runs very deep in my psychie and I do get angry and frustrated every time I am invalidated. I get frustrated with others and then frustrated with myself because of how much I react to it. I am often surprized at how much anger I have in storage as well. I have all I can do to come to a point where I totally humble myself and just say that I am dealing with this disorder the best way I can, and unfortunately others will not understand how much work it really is to push myself along sometimes.

Yes, I totally understand where you are right now as well. The part in the aftermath of an upset where there is a lot questioning if there will be a time where it will be easier to manage the emotions that come forward when things like this occur.

I am so glad that something was actually done to address this concern you had. And I know that there is a wonder now if you could have reacted better. Yes, at the time you most likely felt that once again you were just going to be dismissed and that fueled how much you got upset.

All I know is that somewhere within I have to relearn how to be satisfied with validatiing myself and not be so concerned when others invalidate me.

As I recover my own past, I realize how that part of me was not taught to me the way it should have been taught to me (in my childhood). And, yes, I have some deep seeded anger about that and I have not yet learned how to overcome it. I have also become aware of a void in my true sense of self worth as well. There is a question of how I can really get to that place where I have the ability to truely realize my own self worth and not allow anyone to make me question that. And because I have PTSD, that task is such a challenge because the PTSD itself makes me feel so much more vulnerable.

This is when we have to spend time allowing ourselves to be humble and make sure we do not let ourselves give in to this vulnerability. This is where we missed out on that parent that sat down with us and validated how we felt we failed in some way or was there to stand up for us to help us feel that it was ok to stand up for ourselves, even when someone tries to deny us that right.

What has helped me is in learning that I am not really alone in having this kind of vulnerablity. People all around me express this in all kinds of ways that can make them appear to have a much greater sense of "self value". I have been slowly learning to recognize that my own "lack" is a lot more common than I realize and in that knowlege I have more permission to keep being humble with myself every time I struggle.

(((Rose)))), I think about that pair of shoes all the time and what it really means. A pair of shoes that are perfectly fine and acceptable, but without the price tag and an expensive label we are supposed to feel "less than" somehow.

In reality, who is healthier, someone who needs a pair of shoes with a designer name and price tag to signify they are worthy, or someone who can say without any shame, "yeah, I got these pretty shoes for $14.99 at payless and they look just as good as the ones that have that expensive name/designer on them and then have a laugh that reaches to a depth of pleasure and confidence.

Well, I want to be the latter. I just don't want to feel like I should feel shame because I somehow don't feel it is important to have some kind of man made badge of approval. However, I also want to feel that it is ok if I actually want to purchase something that is expensive simply because I happen to like it. But it runs a lot deeper than that. I just want to let go of how I can be affected to my core when I am invalidated. I have to admit that I have not mastered that "YET". And that "YET" is very important because it allows me to keep myself humble to accept that I "CAN" continue to allow myself to feel that I can keep "LEARNING" my way forward in spite of this PTSD.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes