I guess you are right. I am shocked about my reaction though because I for so many years have been dead inside, not being there. That is part of the major conflict that we did not solve, and it is extremely frightening to come to life now and to realize that I have failed to come out of my deadness until it was too late, after 18 years therapy. On the other hand I am afraid to lose myself again, so I should consult somebody out there. It is going to be very difficult for me though. I haven't yet accepted the fact that we could not do it and that it all ended this way. I have never given that much of my soul to anyone, anyone, as I have given to him. And the idea of consulting somebody totally unknown about this scares me so. I don't know if he or she will be able to handle it. And I feel it is a bit dangerous because I am so terribly vulnerable right now.