So. Everything got really, really good.

I became an extremely motivated individual - waking up at 7am and going bed at 10pm. I started doing housework; I felt great but not manic; and things between myself and the boyfriend were wonderful.

Then I got a job - two nights a week at ASDA (UK version of Wal Mart) stocking and stacking from 10pm until 7am every Friday and Saturday night. I was elated. I felt as though I had overcome my bipolar disorder, and I could finally begin earning and living as an adult. And at £8.27 (about $12.96) an hour, it wasn't bad pay either.

My first three shifts went really well. I got praise from the night manager and even though the heavy lifting and rushing about to get two aisles stacked with a massive delivery two nights in a row caused a lot of physical pain...I felt a sense of achievement and accomplishment.

Last Saturday night is where it all went wrong. My mood crashed; my brain wasn't functioning properly; and I was in so much physical pain that the heavy lifting and stacking up to 40KG of weight above my shoulder level became almost an impossibility.

I kept walking off the shop floor, holding back tears, to go into the staff toilets...where I sat crying for a total of about an hour. In the end I couldn't take it, and I rushed out to the office to collect my things and walked out on the job. Suicide was on my mind, and I sat crying on the street at 12am waiting for a taxi home. When i got in I cried more.

Sunday was the aftermath. I self harmed for the first time in months and hit a vein. I smashed up my mirror, and my room is messy - something that depresses me more and I normally never allow to happen.

If it wasn't for the fact I have my boyfriend, I would end it without a second thought. And at the moment I'm having slight problems holding the relationship together through the struggles.

When will I ever get a break?

RB ♥