I wake up in the night and think about how my life is a big mess. Bi have cornered myself into this mess and still can't figure a way out. I try to do fun things with my kids to distract myself and I'm with a friend- a coping tactic. I try to think of reasons I'm a good person but I still feel a failure despite being a good person. All I'm good at is being a parent but outside of that my life is down the rabbit hole. I haven't figured a way out, only added new layers. Luckily I don't think I want to die but I do want to be in another state of consciousness. Only my kids keep me on this side of sane yet I can see my life ending sooner than later - I see impending doom. A mess which nobody can help me with. In which every door that opens is slammed in my face. Once my kids are grown I don't see a purpose for me. I'm sad but I can't cry. I will watch yet another funny movie and tick off yet another day.