Hi Gia -- I most definitely know where you are coming from because I've BTDT. Literally. Six years ago this coming September I made a serious suicide attempt and was only saved because my husband found me at the last minute. I was hospitalized -- did a month long day program. Got sober one day at a time, got into very intensive therapy.

Now, after having two brief relapses, I am in my third continuous year of sobriety but oftentimes the depression is unbearable. I am only diagnosed Bipolar II, so I really haven't had the manias described here (except twice while on very high doses of prozac.) My mood tends to be very bad for very long, then with some respites where I am "almost" over the normal line. That is my background, I know it may not make sense to many here.

But I agree that a better p-doc or better relationship with the one you have is criticial. But also, I know myself that I can barely make a phone call to the eye doctor (very innocuous) when I'm depressed, so finding a new psychiatrist probably seems undoable. Please call your current doc's office. Ask to speak to someone there who could possibly tell you how to fit you into his schedule more often, and if not that, just bluntly say how bad you *really are* (I know how hard this is.) If you are very calm and polite, but they sense the desperation in your voice, someone there might be able to steer you toward another doc in the practice who has more time, or to another alternative. I don't know who your insurance co. is or if you have insurance, but that's also a call to make. A hard one, but those people are trained to take crisis calls (at least they're supposed to be @@).

Please don't give up!!! I sense your desperation. I have had many times of desperation myself this summer. My husband is having cancer surgery soon (early state prostate, so probably nothing to worry about) but my "plans" to have ECT hit the fan when we realized he needed surgery. Maybe it will be better off not getting it. Sounds like for you it didn't work out.

Let us know what happens, I normally don't respond to threads but your story hit very close to home for me.