Well here i am...seeking help at the request of my husband. I guess even if no one replies with anything useful or meaningful at least I get to vent it all right?

I'll start out with a little bit about myself and my history...

I'm 25 years old. it doesn't seem like it at times but it is true. I've lived an interestingly odd live so far.

Had a pill head step father who beat me (well, he did try to beat and throw around my siblings too but as the oldest I took it all for them), and a mother who used shopping to ignore it all. My birth father never gave a ****. So usually I was home hoping my "real family" would whisk me away to some fairy tale land so I could live happily ever after. That didn't happen. Around age nine I decided that it was all my fault and began taking it out on myself in the form of self harm. It started out with just throwing myself or more likely my head into walls and pulling locks of hair out. Eventually that wasn't enough and I started cutting. Still to this day few know about my cutting. I've always done it in places that only my husband sees.

Around twelve my childhood home burned down to the ground leaving little more then scrap metal and ashes. Mom thought it the perfect chance to get us out of the city and move to nowhere kentucky. There I went through hell as the outcast of outcasts for one reason or another, be it religious differences to whom I chose to love. A few suicide attempts and a couple months in institutions went by. Graduation day came and I moved the **** away from it all. This is when I first started to notice my depression getting uncontrollable, it's also when I had my first full blown anxiety attack.

Fast forwarding....

At twenty-one I almost got my wish of death. I didn't even have to do anything. I was "informed" by an ex that since I refused to go back to him, and chose to stay with my now hubby, that I could deal with herpies by myself. Yea, that's the exact way I found out that I had contracted it. Douche didn't even have the balls to tell me before anything had ever happened. I got tested immediately, as well as hubby and we both found out at the same time we have it. About a week after that I got an abnormal pap come back and found out that I could have cervical cancer. The doc told me that if it was cancer my body wasn't strong enough for any kind of treatment other then fully gutting me or just wait for the end. This is one of two events I've linked the serious spiral down with my depression.

Needless to say, it wasn't cancer. It was detected early enough, but got really close.

Hubby and I grew closer together. We stopped using protection because well, neither he nor I had any want or need to find anyone else. Years after, just two years ago from now, I had a miscarriage. I was bed ridden for a week bleeding and lost the child we didn't even know about. I've yet to forgive myself for it and even though I know there's nothing that could have been done, I still grieve for it. Event two.

Last summer Hubby went to trucking school to obtain his CDLs and now drives over the road six out of seven days a week. When he went out of state to school I had friends who stayed with me here at the house to keep me company. Now just a year later We're married and I no longer have friends around.

My husband is a very odd individual. Most people can't tolerate his "lack of off switch". You know, that filter in the back of your head that tells you that you probably shouldn't say something, yea, he doesn't have one. He's constantly crude, rude, and very in your face. What one person sees as a monster, I see as my best friend. Most of the "friends" I thought I had blame him as their reason for no longer being around. Everyone else, well just disappeared without a word. No one even answers my calls anymore.

Lately things have hit an all time low. I'm slowly killing myself with worry, doubt and self loathing. I do want to be better. I want to be happy again. But it's to the point where I'm not sure I even know what makes me happy anymore. Hell it's a battle just to make myself get out of bed long enough to do the dishes or feed the girls (our two cats).

Nathan doesn't quite understand. To him I should be happy. He blames himself for it all. Like when I cried our wedding night. Really I don't think it's him. There's something wrong and antidepressants and ******** pills just don't work. I've tried.

So he asked me to find people who understand what i'm going through. I found this forum. I've read the success stories. They're all wonderful. I wish something like that for myself, because at this point I'm terrified I'm going to rip my marriage apart in my depression.