I want to start by saying that I am grateful I have 59 days. I am working a good program (I think) with my sponsor, doing readings, reading self help books, forcing myself to fellowship, and in counseling. From the outside looking in I am doing all the right things. But from the inside I am really hurting.

My girlfriend of 4.5 years left me 24 days into my sobriety. Who knows what the real reason is, probably a combination of not being able or willing to deal with my mood swings and unpredictable behavior and also I think she realized that there is a whole happy life to live out there without me. I understand but it stings nevertheless.

My mind is telling me all of these horrible things like I am never going to get better; that I am never going to find a woman that was as wonderful as her; that I am weird and different because I left a group gathering with other AA's at the beach because I was bored and sad. I know people there and they are nice but I just wasn't comfortable, conversational, or happy. I tried to stay just a bit longer than I wanted but eventually I had to bail.

I suppose these are the types of things I am going to go through in early recovery... battling self-esteem issues, loneliness, etc. I don't want to be a drag but I feel like I am. I am stuck in my head all of the time, even when at meetings and stuff. I dunno, I guess it's a lot to handle all at once. I am in a new city where I moved 6 months ago. I don't really know anyone. I am giving up alcohol and drugs. I am taking a serious look at my life and trying my hardest to change for the better. And on top of that the one person that has stood by (enabled) me through it all has left.

I hate that this sounds like "poor me" but I am just really down right now.