In the general people have this stigma that you go back to college that makes everything alright… ok so yer that’s one of the reason I am going back… however I know it won’t magically make me a good or acceptable person under other people’s scrutiny. You know the whole unemployed doing nothing then just hiding away within a college course….. hopefully I have now built a productive cocoon to emerged out from with some brains and better coping skills…. At least that’s how ideally I would like going back to college to turn out for me. Of course he has high hopes and career plans so yer compare to me if you had to choose him and other students would be more deserving over me.

As for the horrible person well I am not the most caring or able to relate to people. I am more your run away and let other people deal with because I can’t even care for myself and I don’t have it in me to ever be a fully happy and caring of others in the way some people can. Also I should be less over reacting and sorted myself out years ago but no had to let things get to this. Also others have a lot worse things happen to them and have to deal with a lot worse than me. I get like this because of something that happened 6 years ago… also I still don’t know how lucky I am to be alive and with no lasting injures. So once again I honestly know how and what sort of person I am which is just plain horrible and a waste of life… however I hope to now in the ways I possibly can just live a better life and not be in the way so much of others. What I mean by this is I only ever wanted to have a simple job… not dealing with customers too much or having too big of an impact on other people because this is all that is acceptable for me and in reality all I will ever be capable of. However I couldn’t up to this point allow myself to do that. So now I am taking a new approach to hopefully once again better my chances of this. Is this so wrong of me?

As for the dumb part yes I am one of those people that others have to laugh at in the sense how could she be that dumb… I was waiting for something to heat up and the on lights on this button were clearly not on (once they pointed it out)… I thinking, what have I done now … other person it’s not on, that’s why it’s not heating up… me oh, I didn’t know you had to turn it on there as well, I was sure I turn the right switch to the mode needed, the thing wasn’t on to begin with, just wondering if I didn’t pluck up the courage to ask the person, I’m not sure if I have turn it to right switch… how long I would still be waiting for it to heat up. So yer that dumb air headed girl at the best of times.

I know it’s me that’s the problem. However I am stuck with me so what am I to do…. I guess it’s because I believe it’s what I deserve therefore that’s how I treat myself. Hopefully I can now work on improving me and working towards things. That will mean I deserve better treatment of myself and then I can start to be my own best friend, may be possible. However I hope this isn’t were that saying of keep your friends close and your enemy’s ever closer comes in, I may be stuck then LOL. However I know you’re going to say you need to love yourself before that. To be able to allow yourself and things to go right, so I can then see the outcome of things going better for once. Well I am sure I can give this a go. Maybe try to be understanding of myself as in the sense of a kind family member to begin with. Rather than expect me to just be able to love and be happy with myself from the off. If that makes sense.

Thank you so much Leed you are a very insightful and caring person. I really appreciate your time and understanding and constructive replies to me. I wish you all the best