I'm new to the forums. I'm not really sure what I'll get out of this. I'm not really expecting to find advice but I've been ruminating a lot lately and feel the need to share.

I was raped by a coworker a couple years ago in a coercive, non-violent sort of way. Similar but less severe situations have transpired at other points in my life but this one sort of drove me crazy. I was sort of the new person at work and the guy was an old friend of most of the other employees. I tried telling people what happened, including my boss. Everyone suggested the same thing: That it must have been a misunderstanding and there couldn't have been any wrongdoing on his part. I'd been fed a lot of drinks in this incident and didn't have a strong recollection of what happened. Long story short, I returned to my abuser and continued to allow myself to be used for several more months. I guess I thought it would somehow make it better if I convinced myself that it had been consensual since no one was being supportive and some blamed me outright. Instead, I became depressed to the point of serious illness and faced continued rejection in other parts of my life.

Now, I'm at a point where my depression has mostly lifted and I've been able to improve my life but I seem to have hit a roadblock with healing. I really crave physical comfort from other human beings, particularly of the sex that I'm attracted to. I would like to be physically close to another human being again but everytime I get even the slightest inkling that someone is sexually interested in me, I feel threatened and clam up. I don't want the next time I have sex to be a huge deal...but it kind of is...and I HATE that! I hate that I come with all this baggage now and that baggage is only made heavier by the fact by the embarrassment and fear caused by how it might affect other people who want to be close to me.

*le sigh*