Hi all, i'm not even sure why i'm writing this, i suppose i just want to be able to vent.
I've been reading the previous posts and can relate to them. I'm insanely depressed at the moment. I've never sought any kind of help as i'm terrified of being labelled as a freak of some sort, of admitting i can't cope. I thought i had it under control until a few days ago when i split from my BF. To expand, he had been treating me with no respect for quite some time and i told him as much, suddenly he starts belittling me and making me feel its all my fault. I trusted him, told him about my periods of severe depression and he throws that back at me as an insult, hurting me to the very core.
Yesterday was my bday, i know i shouldn't have phoned him but i did, to invite him out. No answer, he phones me back to quite simply swear at me and tell me to drop dead. I don't understand how he cannot care at all, how he has moved on with no issues in a day and i feel used, and stupid and worthless for letting myself be used. This seems to have sent me spiralling and i finally realised i'm not coping at all.
I can't seem to control my emotions, either crying or raging.I've been drinking and smoking heavily and this just makes me worse, but i feel its the only thing i'm any good at.I'm always letting people down, and feel i am just a constant drain on them. I tried to tell my mum, but that just resulted in her crying and i just didn't know what to do, it made me feel worse.Everyone thinks i'm a loser because i can't find a job, even though i'm highly educated, but what am i meant to do if no one wants to hire me?My nails have been bitten to the quick,and i feel constantly stressed and paranoid. I haven't even left my room all day as i do not want to have to even see my flatmate, let alone speak to him as i know i'll end up telling him to go to hell, which is unfair. Everything i do just seems to go wrong, and i've become terrified of life. Sometimes i cry for so long my eyes puff up and i can barely see, i used to punch my fist into a wall until it really hurt just to try and lose some frustration but i've been trying not to do that, instead my fingers are raw from being bitten.
I've got a great family,and have had opportunities most people haven't and instead of celebrating this it makes me feel all the more useless. I've started pushing my few friends away too as i'm scared of being hurt, its so pathetic. I don't have a doctor, and can barely afford to live let alone pay for anything private so i don't know what i am meant to do. i just feel so down, and i cannot see a way to make any of this better.
thanks for listening.