my depression seems to be caused by me. At least that is how I feel right now based on the feedback I get from the people around me. My wife and I are facing a real challenge at home with our daughter and my boss says that every family has issues. Of course that's true, so I guess that it's my own lack of willpower that's causing me to lose focus, not sleep, and not be able to concentrate.

I'm now in DBT therapy, so my feelings are no longer important there. I am supposed to do things regardless of my feelings. So again, my inability to focus, sleep or concentrate is my own fault because I'm not using skills enough to not let my feelings control me.

My psychiatrist has basically said I'm maxed out on all of my medication and there's nothing that can be done but for me to learn to cope with my feelings (the reason I was urged to do DBT). So again, my inability to cope is my own fault for not having enough willpower.

I have no paid time off and since my wife doesn't work due to the issue with my daughter, I'm stuck working when I feel horrible. I want to snap at people, but I don't. I take out all my energy at work to stay calm. I then ignore my family for the most part and just do things that I know will calm me down. My 4 hour a day commute causes me to get uptight when I get home, so I don't want to talk much.

Posting here isn't really going to help much because I'm not validated by the people that have control over my life. My boss probably doesn't think much of me because I can't cope well - or rather I'm coping very well, but I won't get credit for it. Part of the problem with this is that someone else at work has a physical problem that is devastating. Of course my depression looks and feels stupid next to that.

I need to be around for my family, but I wish I could drive home that having constant thoughts of hurting myself is not fun. I don't have a plan, but the images are there. I can't get rid of them because I'm depressed. I can't be a cheerleader for myself when I can't get my work done and feel like a failure. I once agian post such nonsense.

I can't really do anything but accept that I'm not that important in the world and really just need to suck it up and live. I need money, so work. Pretend to get through somehow and don't get a bad review. I can't live closer to work due to money and no jobs near where I live pay enough for me to live on while my wife doesn't work, so I have to just suck it up and cope.

I guess it's true, my depression is my own fault.