Depression is NOT your fault. It is an illness, like any other illness. I know that because if it was willpower to get over it, then everyone with depression would just choose to get over it. That's NOT the case...

I can't cope well because I have depression. When the depression lifts, I can cope a bit better. I don't have a job that I hate...it's worse for me...I own a business that I despise. I can't just close up shop for a variety of reasons, the least of which is that I need money (not implying that I'd make it without money or have enough to survive without working - on the contrary, this is necessary to keep food on the table)...anyway, I'm rambling...

In summary, depression is not your fault. It is a real illness, just like the person with the physical problems who works with you.

I do hope this gets better for you. I know the feelings of wanting to hurt the self. I have thoughts about that every day, and those thoughts move me to tears...

During your 4 hour commute can you listen to something that's even a little uplifting?

I do wish you well; please know that you are not alone in your struggle. I'm right there too, feeling like it was my dumb-***** decision to open a business that has me in the mess I'm in; and my inability to manage people that keeps me here...

But I know that like all other things, this too shall pass. I don't know what is coming next, but I can envision the day when I'm not stuck so deeply in what I'm doing now.