Hi everyone, let me introduce myself, my names simon and im 19, and despite my age, ive been through enough emotional torture and upset to last a few lifetimes.
it all started wen i was really young, and by that i mean about 5 ish and upwards, to put it the best way, i dont really have many happy memories from my childhood. My mum and dad divorced wen i was about 5 and i saw them constantly fight with eachother, and i could hear them physically fightin behind a closed door and i used to just sit there and cry cos i knew there was nothin i could do. i always remember my brother and my sis sat there cryin too.
within a couple of years that faded away but before i could start enjoyin my childhood, even worse things happened. Wen i was about 10 my brother sexually abused me numerous times and i never had the courage to tell anyone, i was just too scared, i used to lie in bed at night cryin with fear knowin my brother will be comin up soon, he was about 16 at the time, maybe 17. i remember lyin in bed one night squeezin my teddy so hard because i was so scared, but i was 10, how can stop it happenin that young! ive kept it a secret up until earlier this year wen i decided to tell my councillor who i have been seeing for 3 years. ever since i decided to speak up about it ive experienced growin resentment and deeper hatred towards my brother, he still lives at home with me and my dad. i cant begin to express how hard it is to live with someone who did that to me. i did confront him earlier this year but he just didnt care and he didnt show any signs of guilt for what he did which has made it harder for me. i havent told anyone else apart from him and my councillor, but i havent told my brother the emotional effects it has had on me.
ive always thought my childhood was robbed from me at such a young age.
apart from this i also had to deal with something major in my early childhood, wen i was 14 my mum passed away, she was an alcoholic and her body had just had enough and decided to give up. my mum and dad have both been alcoholics in the past, my dad was the "secret alcoholic" in which he'd hide his cans of lager, but he always got violent wen he'd drink so i spent a fair few years being in complete fear of him. that contributed alot to the fights him and my mum had. he still hasnt stopped drinking to this day but he doesnt drink the volumes he used to.
After mum died i felt really lonely because me and her had a strong relationship, a few months before she died she promised me she will always be here for me (she never knew about what my brother did to me) and her last words to me were "im so scared, i love you simon" which she said the day before she died. She basically became ill on the monday mornin, and by thursday dinnertime she was dead.
After that things never seemed easy, they never did before, but now it all seemed alot harder, i slipped into depression and after a few years of bullyin at school, i left wen i was 16 and wen i was sacked from my part time job for stealin £200 i quickly slipped into deeper depression, and i developed an eatin disorder and grew afraid to leave the house, most days i stayed in bed crying all day, i couldnt sleep, didnt eat, and that left me feeling physically and mentally exhausted, cos i was cryin all day and night and didnt have any friends to fall back on, i was 100% on my own, at just 16/17 years old! it got to the point wen i was so deep in depression that i decided to end it all one day and opened a box of painkillers and i held them in one hand with a glass of water in the other, but something stopped me takin them, i looked death straight in the face and it scared me so much i dropped the pills and just fell asleep cryin. i went to the doctor and he prescribed me anti-depressants which made me ill, so wen he gave me anti-sickness tablets to counteract the illness, it turned out i was allergic to them and it caused me to have muscle seizures which put me in hospital, i had seizures every 10 mins for about 15 hours, so i was even more exhausted from that. life for me then couldnt get worse.i was at the bottom with no lifeline.
by this time i was goin to councillin but it takes a while for councillin to take effect so it didnt seem to help initially.
as the days went on i slipped into a constant "panic attack" mode in which i was breaking down at the slightest things, i remeber once i spilled a glass of coca cola and i just fell on the floor cryin.
in the meantime, my family were falling apart, my sister turned violent one day after taking drugs and nearly stabbed my dad, it was only the fact i stood in her way and told her she would have to knife me first. i suppose she just couldnt do it. that was about 2 years ago and my dad and sis still dont really get on now, shes 21 this year just in case you wondered.
so in the space of about 14, 15 years i have seen violence between parents, sexual abuse from my brother, violence from my sis and harsh bullyin from school IMMEDIATELY after my mum passed away. ive seen the darkest, deepest depths of depression and ive seen death, but there is inspiration involved in this, see, experiencing all those traumatic events at such a young age has strenghtened me intensely, i now have a full time job which i reasonably enjoy, but my biggest achievement is yet to come. im out of depression now and even though i am really unhappy lately over the sexual abuse issue, i have developed a huge passion for music which i am following up enthusiastically. i have written (but not recorded) some fiercly emotional songs and i am currently looking into singing/piano/guitar lessons (singing is the priority though) and wen im confident with my singing ability there will be no stoppin me. i have a huge drive for success, just to prove to myself and those people who have kicked me down that i will always rise taller above them and they will never win against me.
Like i said, i am really having a bad time emotionally lately, i feel really lonely and scared still about the abuse i suffered. its just a stage of grief that im going through at the moment so i have to deal with it and ride it out, its a long journey, a journey im prepared to walk down, alone or not, because i know the benefits awaiting at the end. i know all my trauma has given me immense levels of emotion that i can pour into music and i love music so much that im prepared to take this journey to get there.
Im currently in an un-voluntary 4 week gap in between councilling and i dont wanna do this journey alone, i hope you guys can help and i too, hope i can inspire somebody reading this because even though i am suffering a great deal at the moment, its setting me up for such a successful future doing something i have extreme levels of passion over.
I am now such a caring, trustworthy person who people come to if they have personal issues, i havent told many people about the depression as i met them after i got over the worst, i think some things are best left out of everyday life. I am a completely different person to who i was 2 years ago, i have made such a remarkable journey through life and this is just the last mountain i have to climb, one of the hardest, but like i said, is ultimately beneficiary.
I am really sorry this is such a big description, such a large amount of text, but i hope i have expressed myself to the extent i have hoped and i look forward to hearing from you soon.