thank you for replying. I think I like posting here because at least there are people who "Get it" here. What seems to cause my suffering the most is the fighting I'm doing about the fact that I want to be given credit for how hard it is for me to get up and out. I could never handle my own business, but I do have some music that I write that helps me concentrate. It's one reason I can't sleep - I have so little time to work on music that I'll try to stay up to finish something. In the end it's helpful and not helpful because I at least enjoyed something and not helpful for the next day of course.

I listen to music on my commute. I can't read and because I take the train and it has wifi (sometimes) I can sometimes get online with my tablet - I bought it just to help me cope with the train rides. I've come up with some rituals that help me get the right seat in the morning and if I can get out early enough from work at night, I take the extra effort to get on one station earlier so I can get a seat. If I don't, I'm usually stuck standing for about 20 minutes at least on the train - it gets that full.

Other than the train though, there's a shuttle and a subway both of which are not far, but I hate how irregular they are.

This will pass. My emotions come and go - these are my mantras. I find that one helps a lot. I am a manager, so managing people is not easy. It's harder for a business owner, but even in a middle manager/low management position, it is annoying because you have to be nice - people don't respond well to bad moods. There is a whole skillful way to live that's just hard to do.

I'll get through. I just may post things here every once and a while to remind myself that there are people who "get it". People who understand that it's not something I can get out of on my own and not just me being a bad person.