I truly don't know what going on right now wednesday and thursday were great i was feeling good. but last night i don't know what happened i had a complete break down. i know it probably has alot with i was trying to keep myself in that happy mood i ended up taking some caffine pills and later that night i drank. and after that it was down hill. I guess everything is catching up with me. and i hate it i wish it would all go away. I felt so bad about my self last night i just wanted it all to end. i was at my friends house until about 1 its this guys house; a guy that i have fallen in love with but i know that i can't have him. so after i left driving back to school thats when i started breaking down. I kept think that i was nothing that nobody cared about me or anything i didnt care about me or anything. well when i got back to the dorms i knew i couldn't be in my room alone (i have no roomate) So i went to a friends room and just sat. She tried to make me talk but i really couldn't i thought she was too preoccupied with her life and she doesn't need any of my baggage to go along with hers. Eventually we went for a walk at 130 in the morning. and then i finally broke down. i told her i was scared scared of who i was and who i was becoming. scared that i might be alone for the rest of my life. scared of what i do to myself. i got so emotional and i feel so stupid for being so emotional to her. i don't like to cry in front of people. We went back to her room around 2 and then i left to go to bed but i didn't. i believe she knew i wasn't going to go to sleep but i don't think she really cared about me it was just a way for her to get her problems out as well and i was not stable enough to take care of her as well.... so i went back to my room tried to sleep, but i didn't go to sleep until about 430 this morning. all i could think of hurting myself; what i could do to make it end. I ended up crying my self to sleep crying for about an hour and then hating myself for bringing down all these emotions. I have no idea whats going on. I wish it would stop though because right now at this moment i hate everything. I have to go home this weekend and i know im going to break down there and mom will be all worried but i know she won't think it has anything to do with me she will blame all of my friends. my friends who are depressed and SI and have BP. but its not them that are causing it its me and i don't know how to stop it. well this is a really long post but there is nobody else who i can go to and talk and nobody who understands what i am going through. Thanks for listening, im sorry for everything. maybe one day it will all end
andrea