You have really had a very tough time. Your first priority must be to help yourself and I strongly recommend a psychiatrist. I wouldn't be alive without mine and the meds he prescribes. Depression is a very scary disease that is largely bio-chemical; medication and therapy work wonders. After your moods are stable you can begin making decisions about the rest of your life. But you honestly can climb out of this dark hole.

What I call "depression think" is the self-hatred we direct towards ourselves. Mine lifted one morning when the meds kicked it. It was so upsetting to realized all the time I wanted to be dead and tried to kill myself.