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Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess
I think all survivors have difficulty believing that we are worthy of what we want. Maybe we had to deny what we wanted so often when we were kids that we even stopped caring about what we wanted. I have been in that place, and while it has benefits (like not being demanding on our partners), I have been practicing asking and to some extent just taking what I want.
All that makes me feel that I can't necessarily just spend money or take time that I need for myself. I don't like having to justify spending money on $50 work of bike accessories or whatever, so I told her I was getting my own credit card and I would pay it off.
This is mostly to say that it's okay for you to ask for, maybe even demand, what you need. If your H is the typical guy, he probably is patting himself on the back for having married such a low maintenance wife. He might be in for a rude shock if you stop defending what you want and just take it (in ways that he probably already does), but because he loves you, he will also work on himself to give you what you need.
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What your wrote rings loud and true in my ear "believing we deserve what we want". I clearly believe that on some level as I wouldn't be able to come up with the goals and aspirations for my future involving a new career - BUT being deserving isn't always all there all the time.
As for being a low maintenance wife LOL!!! that is me :-) but only because like you said I felt like I shouldn't have wants etc... But that is changing slowly. I do go to therapy and I do get a message every once in a blue moon and I did go on a kid free/husband free vacation recently at the prodding of a close friend (if it weren't for her prodding to ask I don't think I could have had the guts to ask - again all in my own head).
While my husband has anxiety over the finances (and we have no debt other than a mortgage and the obvious bills associated with maintaining a household including kids swimming lessons, clothes etc..) He freaks out everytime I buy a pair of shoes (not very often). Guys don't get that woman have more than just 1 pair of sneakers and one pair of dress shoes
After my husband left I told my T that my husband forgot to mention that he bought himself (with my support) a brand new motorcycle
oh and yes I did buy a new bike too but is was the kind you peddle
As for stopping defending my wants I feel like I'm on that path and it does worry me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah
His anxiety might cause him to want you to be certain ways (to help him alleviate his anxiety) but you don't have to cooperate with that and I'll bet that your husband is more flexible with you then you think he is.
My anger was because of my struggles with my needs. He really wasn't doing anything on purpose.
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My husband is very flexible in many ways and has been very supportive. Today he told my T how great it is that I went back to school however yesterday he was witching about how much school cost (I'm going to a community college mind you so I'm not paying private college or even state university tuition $$$ - yet
) Much of his anxiety was what my therapy was about the first go around (me just finding ways of dealing with it). Then I put my foot down and said we go to marriage therapy or an attorney. His choice. His anxiety was driving me out the door. It was so bad I just felt tense being in out home. Thankfully he's on meds now so that is a huge help however I think he needs therapy (but he's not into it or thinks he doesn't need it).
And yes I do have anger because of my struggles. I'm very cautious, mistrusting (still have a hard time trusting my new T on a core level), and very judgmental of myself (I'm my own worst critic).
Me trying to calm his anxiety is in some ways much like me trying to 'please my parents' only fortunately I lucked out and didn't marry someone who is physically/emotionally abusive.
At the end of my appointment I was writing out the check to my T and was mumbling "how frustrating". T told me: "Please don't take this out on your husband".
I'm holding onto so much anger and hurt right now and I get to 'sit with it' until next Thursday.
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and yes it does all belong to me (80% of it anyways).
