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Hey all,
It's been quite some time since I've been here and oh well, I've progressed quite since I last wrote.
I'll get right to it.
Back in September I started talking to this guy who lives 2-3hrs away from me and we decided to start dating. However, our relationship was difficult to maintain in the beginning. He was busy studying and didn't have much time left for me and I was struggling with myself. Our relationship was on/off all the time and in December he had enough of me apparently and decided to break up. He wrote a long email in which he explained why he wanted to break up and literally told me to grow up.
However, I now know why he did it. This guy is what my mother (if she knew) would call bad news and she ban me from ever talking with him again if she knew, of course.
Deep down he's a really sweet and caring guy, he loves anime and horror movies, he loves cooking and we have a lot in common. He's not a bad person at all, though what he does is bad. He's a gang member and I know this hoists the red flags all around, but I've really thought the entire thing through countless of times.
Anyways, I contacted him 2 months after he broke up and he texted me back. We started talking again and in March we got back together. We talked on the phone and texted each other, talked on Skype etc and brought up the idea of meeting. However, I didn't feel comfortable enough and I certainly didn't want to leave my comfort zone. I was feeling really insecure about myself and my looks and I've never met up with anyone before.
The entire idea seemed crazy to me and with all that he had told me, I really didn't want to. I ran scared and broke up twice, leading up to the day of meeting. However, he reassured me and somewhere in my mind I knew that he would never harm me. He said all the right words to calm me and I melted every time he told me he loved me.
I want to make it clear, that no one has ever made me feel so warm and so safe like he did. I've never been able to talk to someone who actually understood how I felt and I've never shared as much as I did with him about myself.
I pulled myself together and took the train to his place and when I saw him, I melted. When I hugged him, I wish I never had to let go. He was everything I had imagined and I was so deeply in love. I spent a total of 4 days at his place and stayed up late to talk. He had promised me to tell me everything about himself and leave nothing behind.
So much for promises though. He was very reluctant about the sharing part and whenever I touched the subject of his "extra curricular activities" - he became this cold and distant person. I couldn't recognize his voice or the look on his face. As stated above, I knew what he was, but not what it meant. The gravity of the few things he told me was shocking. I remember asking him on the phone if I would be safe with him, he said yes. The truth was completely different though.
He told me that he had lied to me to get me to visit, because he knew I would never see him if he had been truthful about my safety. I pretended to be understanding, but fear was slowly taking control of me again. I could ONLY stay for 3-4 days, because if I stayed longer, there would be no telling what could happen to me. 3-4 days, for the rest of my life.
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I'll make this last part short.
I went home with mixed feelings. Everything was chaos inside me and I didn't know what to think. I was sad about leaving, because aside from the bad things, we had a really good time. I felt relieved because I didn't have to worry about getting hurt and I still felt so in love. A small part of me wished that I never had to see him again.
I'm aware of the damage this guy can cause me and my family, but I've never felt so sure of that he's the right one. I could talk with him about anything and he'd understand. I've never felt so home, so alive, so happy. Maybe love has blinded me and killed my sense of what's right and wrong, but this guy, he's one of a kind.
But there's so many things that worries and scares the living hell out of me, so many things that makes it almost impossible to be with him. My future, my safety, my family. It's chaotic right now.
A few days after I came back home, I broke up with him again and in that moment, I felt like it was the right thing to do. He was leaving for a holiday with his family and we had a long discussion of why I wanted to do it. He was unwilling to understand my choice. Of course, he was upset and hurt - but I didn't know what else to do.
I regret my decision now and I've left several messages of how sorry I was for breaking it off. I haven't heard from him though.
Now I'm left just as empty as I was before I met him, I can't get my mind off him and I feel so lost. Everything is still chaotic and I honestly have no clue what to do.
Any advise? Wisdom? Words to live by? If you've made it this far, I'd LOVE to hear what you think I should do. I know it's up to me, but I need guidance.
Thank you in advance,
oh and sorry about the novel.
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