Thanks everyone, you are so kind. I can't believe it. In my "real life," no one is this kind. I sometimes sit there and think what kinds of private personal problems people I know face to face are having. No one is so carefree, or are they? I'm so freakin' polite, and nice to just about everyone because I assume everyone has at least one issue that really brings them down. I hate when some people are just so mean, and they treat others as if they are made of steel. I'm really sensitive, but I think I've grown strong too because of all the crap I've been through, and I've never resorted to drugs, alcohol, smoking, or anything to escape. In fact, I really can't become addicted to anything because I have such shifting interests. I make a joke sometimes that I can't even become addicted to multi-vitamins. I guess it's a good thing esp. considering my family history. I've always done everything in moderation, but never have been able to commit to a healthy habit like therapy. I went to a therapist 2 years ago for 3 sessions. I felt better, so didn't continue. I actually felt kinda weird with him because he was a student, and I sensed he was overburdened. A couple of weeks ago, I made an appt. with a psychiatrist. I made the 10 mile drive to a closed office. I was only 10 minutes early, but felt very unwelcome and discouraged due to the locked door, and darkened office. I left right at my appt. time. I felt stupid waiting in the hallway. I could've called to ask where the doctor was, but I really didn't feel like it. I had already gotten a bad impression from her. But, afterwards , I felt bad for blowing her off because I thought that even psychiatrists have problems, and I should've given her a chance. I don't know why I feel like that, I'm the one seeking help. I suppose I'll get another referral.
Oh, I'm not totally against meds. I'll admit, I'm a little scared and distrusting of pharmaceutical companies. I guess I'm one of those people who believe that the earth has given us everything we need. The St. John's Wort I'm taking seems to have helped. I had a day this week where I felt really low, but then I got my period, so wonder if it was due to that mostly.
I had a revelation this morning about my life long low grade form of depression. While I was forming in my mother's womb, she was in the process of losing her father to cancer. She was very close with her dad. He was the light in her life. He died 6 months after I was born. I'm thinking that the chemicals flowing in her bloodstream during this major period of grieving left me with some kind of deficiency or something. After all, this was when my brain was developing. My brother was more of a hyperactive, risk taking kid, happier kid. I was always very cautious.
Well, again, thank you so much for your support, that's mostly what I've been seeking.