Hi PC,

Drove the 2 hours today for a date - she was a no show. Surprise! No, not really, because it's unfortunately the norm for women to either reject me or never show up for a date. As soon as I came in the house, my mother asked, "You were stood up again?" and I responded, "Yeah, what else is new?" It's always the same. Always fails.

I swear that if someone tells me that I am lovable, that I'll find love in the future, or that I need to love myself first I will eat them alive. Obviously I am bitter and resentful about all this and I feel like I should be. After an entire lifetime and all my teen years spent in therapy and dealing with drug addictions, isolation, abuse, failure, loneliness, hospitalization, self-harm, bankruptcy, suicide attempts, and so forth, all I want is someone that I can connect with and spend time with, but all I ever accomplish is rejection and receiving the cold-shoulder from women.

You might be thinking that I am too negative, too bitter, or whatever, but in truth I find it hard to not be like this, because women and socializing is a lot like school for me. In school I failed the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and eighth grades, much of them I was allowed to continue on only because it was in "everyone's best interest" that I did. I wanted to commit suicide in the 5th grade and attempted to commit suicide in the 8th. Was it really all that unreasonable that I was pessimistic about high school? I was told that I would do amazingly well, it'd be the best time of my life, and all this other nonsense. What actually happened is I ruined my body with self-harm, tried to commit suicide repeatedly, spent over a month in a psychiatric ward, and clawed my way through the school system. Next came university which I was told the same nonsense about, except this time I was foolish enough to believe it. There I was hospitalized twice and made a suicide plan.

Women and relationships are a lot like that. It's kind of like this…

Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. No Show. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Now Show. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. No Show. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. No Show. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. No Show. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. No Show. Rejected. Rejected. No Show. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. No Show. Rejected. Rejected. No Show. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. No Show. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected.

Each time this occurs I sink lower and lower. Someone might tell me, "You'll find love one day," which makes me think, "Hmm…I'm not so sure about that…," or they'll say, "You have to think more positively," and then I think, "How am I supposed to do that? Create some magical thoughts and repeat them often enough in the hope they come true?" Unlike others, I'll believe something when I see it, not what it is that I want to believe. I want facts and information, not false hopes and fantasies.

I feel like I've done everything that I can to become better and be successful in social relationships with women. I have done over 10 years of therapy, social skills, speech therapy, medications, attended socials, did online dating, am active in the community, but no success. None. Here I am taking medications to keep me sane, trying to not self-harm anymore, talking to myself, and crying all the time.

The never ending search for a woman that has the capacity to love me or even show up to meet me is feeling like a fruitless and senseless endeavor. Even attending therapy is looking like it is pointless - I am defective and unlovable and there is nothing left to be done.