Hello All,

So the last weeks things have been getting out of hand depression wise. I went in today to see my psychiatrist and explained how I was feeling. She says she wants to admit me. So I wait around 3 hours being moved room to room because they need the room for someone else and end up waiting in the waiting room. They asked if I would be safe enough to take myself home and get a bag together to take to the hospital. Sure. I don't really want to go to the hospital but that's better than suicide, or so I keep getting told.

Then in the waiting room I get a massive panic attack. Having PTSD from psych ward staff abuse as a child the idea of going into the psych ward scares the crap out of me. I freaked and got in the car and left. I got home feeling worse. Not just because of the PTSD nightmares and flashbacks that are out of control, but on top of that I am emotional as July 7th will be the one year mark since my friend who was like family died. So everything at once is more than I can take.

So I decide to take myself to the ER to be seen. I am there not 20 minutes before the ER doctor starts his crap. He comes in saying "your not really going to kill yourself, be honest". Basically saying I am there for attention. Even goes as far as to say "I remember the time you were here with a woman (my therapist) who was sucked into your act". Saying me being suicidal is some act for attention.

Then he starts in on my hobby of role playing. By now many people know who I am, the 31 year old dude that sleeps in a crib. So what. I enjoy role playing, we all have something we do to relax. It just so happened that my role playing was featured on two TV programs. So he starts saying "Man, the last time I saw you I didn't want to be anywhere near you. Your so crazy and weird. I mean, a grown adult who sleeps in a crib. Your really weird. Have you given it up yet?"

Basically bashing me for almost a half hour on my role playing and how I am not seriously suicidal, that I just want attention. Then he tells me I am playing games. He talked to mental health who said they were going up to the psychiatrists office to see me there. No one told me that. I was told I had to come back to town and drive over to mental health. No one said nothing about mental health coming to me.

So now mental health doesn't want to see me. That as it's after 5pm I should go as a walkin tomarrow. That I am not serious enough of a risk for them to come see me tonight as I am there for attention and all. So the ER doctor discharges me and tells me to go home as I am clearly not REALLY suicidal. That I had my chance to be seen today and didn't.

I am just so beyond hurt and pissed off. I go in asking for help, going into a place that is triggering for me to be disrespected and told I am there only for attention. They clearly don't see how damn serious I am. I am so sick and tired of reaching out for help and being treated like this in return. Disrespecting me over my role playing and telling me how I am feeling as if he's in my skin is help? Fine if he doesn't like how I relax role playing. It's not for everyone. But that doesn't give him a right as a doctor to throw it in my face and call me crazy, sick and weird. And how he doesn't want to be anywhere near me because of it. Then give the chart to a different doctor.

I didn't deserve that. I give up trying to ask for help. I am so upset, I just want to take my life and end it. Why keep going through this? For what? THIS! is what I am living for? I would rather be dead. At least THEN I could be with my loved ones instead of in a world full of people who want to treat me like **** and make me feel like nothing. Lower than nothing. I just needed to talk about what happened. Later.

-Stanley