Popped back in for a few moments. Not much has changed....still overloaded. When I look at the home I live in, it looks like a trash dump with 4 walls. I think if one wall fell down, the junk would be thrown all over Lancaster.....enough junk for every home around us.

I didn't mention either that my Female eskie had another litter of puppies that are now just about 6 weeks old. It was an oops.....we never breed her more than once every 2 years. It was a complete surprise when she started digging at the carpet & then came the cry of a new puppy. She had 3 this time. A female I call "Lilly", & 2 males. One I call "bulldozer" (dozer for short). When he first started walking, he would nose around pieces of mommy's kibble all around the bathroom floor.....way to cute. The other male is so adorable. It took quite a while for his personality to generate a name, but he is now "Buddy". Everytime I go into the bathroom, he comes up to me, sitts down & paws in the air for my attention. This time, Tinny is going to get spayed. I don't want her to have any more puppies....she is getting too old. Guess she just had to sneek in one more litter before that. She is so good with her puppies.....but it was funny when they started getting their teeth, she would jump into the bathtub to keep them away from her....good sign to ween them.

Things are coming along....waiting to hear from the people who are interested in purchasing our home. It seems like I can only do one major thing a day....then exhaustion sets in. I feel like I have to continue pushing myself to get everything done. Thing have to get done no matter how tired I get. The bad part of taking the seroquel to sleep is that is can really knock me out for much longer than I need to be. Unfortunately without it, the nightmares & everything continue to haunt me, & end up waking up in a panic state. Feelings from dreams I remember having when I was young.

I went to see my pdoc the other day & was reading an article about PTSD in it. It was basically saying that "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I don't feel stronger at all.......maybe after awhile it will happen.....they didn't say how long that takes. But then thearticle basically said that there are actually people who go through traumas that make them stronger immediately & they don't go through what some of us experience from a horrible experience. That left me wondering why I allowed myself to be effected by that experience in the way it has. But then I look at myself & the fact that I am haunted in my dreams....they are from my subconscious & that is something I don't allow or dis-allow.

I actually got brave enough to order my Mothers medical records from her surgeon. I so badly feel the need to see if I can put the pieces together. I want to see if the records contradict what he said. Why he never told my mother that she was dying is so beyond me. The feelings I have for my Mother are so bad.....guess is some ways I feel that the farm I am going to buy with the $ from her home is something I really deserve given what I had to go through because of her ignorance. This is probably a really bad time to go through the records with my psychologist on vacation for the next week......but I am so hoping that the information will help me some. Why hospice care wasn't put into place until 5 days before she died is beyond me.

I had gone to a senior center meeting regarding ID theft & talked to the may that is the go between for Adult Protective Services & the Police. We discussed the fact that APS had never gotten back to be about the report I or the social worker in the hospital had made against the RN. From what he said, the fact that they didn't get back to me sturred up a can of worms about procedures that weren't being followed. They had closed the case without ever talking to me, but it sounded like because they couldn't talk to my mother (either she was so far gone metally or she had died before they tried to talk to her), it was dropped & the RN is still out there preying on other cancer patients.

But I need to get back to packing & other projects that need to get finished. Unfortunately, I can't seem to turn off my brain even when I am packing....sometimes it makes it worse, looking at the things & thining back at things in the past. I should just throw things into boxes & stop thinking.

So much for now....thank you all for your responses,
Debbie