This morning has been rough. I for whatever reason have this incredible feeling of hate towards myself. I haven't self harmed, yet... I don't really plan too anyways but the feeling is there. I continue to over and over listen to Sia "breathe me" and it gives me a feeling of some calmness. Here's the link to the song. I typically don't self harm, I start taking my meds in a fashion that is out of compliance.... OD......



Ever since I got up at 915pm I have been on this anti me thing I don't know if this is a symptom of BPD but I am really struggling today. Luckily I have a therapist appointment at 1pm today but worried she might have me commited for an eval if I open my mouth. Today just seems so dark and gloomy I don't really know who to talk too.... I have thought about calling crisis but that is a one way trip (via police) to the nearest psych unit for an eval and I don't necessrily want to do that. I spent April 24th - June 8th in a hospital and residential treatment facility. I haven't even been out a month.

My depression is killing me. With the exception of today I sleep 16+ hours per day. Its so hard to get up, figure things out. I find it easier to stay in bed then deal with the day. It has gotten progressively worse since I got out. I am unemployed and on welfare something I thought could never happen to me. Its sobering knowing it did. I really want to self destruct in the worst way. The last week my anxiety has been so bad I have thrown up alot.

I've been asking myself silently lately is it worth living anymore, My honesty answer is I don't know. I thought I had a bright future, I thought I had it together, but I obviously didn't and got sick and failed. Failure is hard for me to swallow. I feel so worthless again. I really don't know what to do anymore. Do I sleep the day away, do I get help again and get screwed over by a sentence of several weeks in a psych unit or do i just ignore everything and hope it blows over.

The reason I'm so scared of telling anybody around me is they will have me commited. I don't have a great track record while in the hospital and am known to be violent on or off my meds especially when cornered. I don't like that feeling. I don't want to be mean or non compliant. I TAKE MY MEDS AS PRESCRIBED but they seem to not work. I hear voices that are starting to command now, something that is completely new to me. I don't know if its my conscience or what. But it is scaring me and this has been going on the last week and half. I think its the main part of me sleeping so much.

I really am at odds what to do. I can tell my therapist and see what happens, it's not my first plan but I dunno. I have failed so much in life that it is attacking my soul from the inside out if that makes any sense.

I know alot of this probably sounds like complaining and I'm sorry. I'm thankful for those that do read it this far, I turn to PC before I turn to my doctors and such.

thanks.