I haven't felt this way in probably a year or more. I don't have the words to match how I feel. It's the visceral feeling of despair, of there being no appeal, no one there to help you, to save you from the abuse. I'm being beat up by the very ones who are supposed to protect me, my own mother and father. Who else can I turn to for protection?! I am so utterly helpless, so despairingly in despair, for who will release me from this bondage! I rage at them for making me be so so so utterly helpless! I yell, I scream, the beatings don't subside! They intensify. I scream and yell and they do not respond. They do not hear me. I might as well be 6 feet under, where no one hears me either. The sounds of protest are not heard, so I bury them alive. I swallow them alive.
And now, when someone makes me feel helpless, I rage at them. Such as my kids.
And when I have some kicking and screaming to do and I want to make myself heard, and the other doesn't give me the space wherein I can express my thoughts/ideas/feelings/urges I rage at her. Such as my T. I have a need to talk about my rage, but she's busy protecting the kids. Trust me, the kids are protected. By giving me the space I need to be HEARD my anger/rage dissipates. And when I'm not heard, I feel helpless, in bondage, I rage at my T for making me feel so helpless. I am in despair, there is no appeal, for who else do I turn to for protection and safe presence if not for my T...

If your vocabulary is more developed than mine and you have managed to find words to match the feelings, kindly share so I can expand my own. Thank you!

Please, if you can be supportive, I welcome your support. Comments that are not of a supportive nature are best left unsaid. I hope you understand.