I think I may be self destructive. In person, I simply cannot communicate satisfactorily and always seem to make a bad impression. I know a lot of it has to do with my bad upbringing which had a lack of nuturing. But, as an adult, I am not making any progress. I am totally frustrated.

Right now, I cannot afford therapy. Though, to be honest, therapy (of which I've had a lot) has never helped much. I know that anxiety and panic are involved in my problems. I just seem to be everyone's whipping boy. I am unable to bond with people and successful people avoid me totally. I have nothing to offer; I don't smile much and don't have much to say that is relevant. I isolate all the time because I have no confidence and have a terrible history of interpersonal relationships. I don't date and have never had a lover. I don't think I am good at sex. I guess I will order another self help book? I am very lonely and am really, really hurting. Even people at church don't like me at all.

My inability to communicate was one of the reasons why I lost my job. I don't know what to say. Frankly, I think that whatever I say does not make a differerance anyway. I may just not be a likeable person. My last T said that, with my background, there is very little to build on. The building blocks of interpersonal relationships that are formed when one is a child are not there.