Parsifal, tell me if this resonates for you. It seems to me this is what you are trying to communicate, though I may be wrong about it.
That you feel alive when you are fully engaged in meaningful activity. That when you are engaged there is an anxiety of having "lost yourself" and it feels confining, restrictive. But when you are not fully engaged you feel anxious, you are like floating around. Being fully engaged structures you. And at the same time makes you feel confined, dominated. The question is, how can I engage fully in meaningful work (and relationships?) yet avoid feeling trapped. To be fully engaged yet feel a sense of authority.
How far off am I? Totally off? If this doesn't sit well with you, I can just delete this post.
Take good care of yourself!