***warning, may be triggering. please read with caution***

I realized this morning WHY exactly I finally lost it at work the other day. It's not pretty, but that's why I am here. And in T. And have a Pdoc. And working so hard.

Since I found out we were merging/have merged, things have been building up inside for me. My sense of security / safety was being tested / and each test related literally to almost every single situation from my past that caused me enormous pain or trauma.

****

For example,

I went into the idea of the two offices merging nervously (the two different offices cannot be MORE different in terms of office locations, personalities, and cultural differences). The people that we were merging with reprented the same types of people that have devasted me in some form or another in my life. (I've been working through that in T).

Before we merged, a struggling coworker completely lost it at work and threatened someone else. Literally. I was afraid not only for my own safety and well-being but for those around me. Including my coworker (I worked through that in T).

Then, HR called me and informed me that they had been calculating my salary wrong since my first day and that it was their mistake, but I had no choice but to pay them back. (I sort of worked through that in T. I am still upset by it and actually resentful and every 2 weeks I am reminded - and triggered).

Then we merged. And the new people I worked with represented / reminded me of more pain. They were so cavalier and open about discussing their private horrors of abuse. I just couldn't help but cry when I heard their stories. (my T was not available).

One of the new coworkers had a swollen eye which I didn't even notice, but she was self-conscious about it and blurted out of the blue said had a mosquito bite (??!) Great. (my T was not available).

The idiot co-worker (negligent, irresponsible, ditzy one) was served at the office. Not once but twice, both times by men that ignored what I had to say and ran me over with what they wanted to do. (my T was not available).

So my inner-strength has been constantly tested for at least six months now just being IN the office. I realize for many people, these incidents wouldn't cause a blink of an eye, but for me they are huge because they take me right back to a place where I felt terrified, or afraid for my life, or fearful and hopeless...)

Meh. It's going to take time. Right?

I hope I can work all this stuff out and get on the other side with my job still in tact, because there are a pile of more things just waiting for me (that having nothing to do with these triggering incidents at the office), that I have to get through.

Sigh.