Well, there is nothing to build on in the sense that I was raised by parents who believed that nuturing their children was the equivalent of spoiling them. My mother was the bigger problem. She believed that children - especially the first born - was born to take care of her. I was told so. I was told that friends were not necessary. I had no playmates. No toys. I was told that I was raised to be an adult from the start and that childhood was a waste of time. My father spent no time with me. As my parents kept having children, mom got very angry and would yell and scream and curse us. To top it off, I was given an odd name that set me up for ridicule and my parents missed the registration date for kindergarten (there was no nursery school in those days) and put me in first grade instead. I was the shortest kid in my class into high school. The advice I got was uniformly bad and included the line that I should always do more to help my parents. If I had a problem I could not go to mom because she would start yelling and screaming about her own problems and blame me for upsetting her. Sometimes she would just say "you're on your own; don't ask me for anything." She treated what few friends I had better than me. She told me that I was ugly. I remember when I was turning 9 that I had to ask to have a birthday party with kids other than my brothers. To this day, mom has no concern that I have friends or love in my life. She wants my life to be centered around her. As a young boy she told me "just take care of me as long as I live and when I die you can do whatever you want." She meant it. Dad died young. She overworked him with her grandiose schemes.

I am not a smiley person. That's a big part of the problem - I never learned to play. I don't have good looks or people smarts. I don't look for love. (The thought of love equals sadness.) Trying for love is so frustrating because I have no idea what I am doing. I have to fight my own feelings of not wanting love and that's really hard. I feel like I am lying to the other person. When I go home after dates a battle in my brain rages as I analyze what transpired and what was said. It's better to not date anyone than to go through that. I will be so self-conscious at parties that I have to tell myself to remember to smile. Sometimes when I speak in groups my nervousness triggers my epilepsy and I mumble incoherently. I feel like I am cursed. People routinely treat me badly.