I have been there, my friend. I totally understand where you are coming from. Swethers81 had the right idea. Try to make amends if you can. I know it is really really hard to do that, believe me, it took me almost 5 years to finally work the nerve up to make amends with the people I betrayed. and it still hurts to write this even now, even though no one knows who I am! But I will tell you, it felt SO good when 2 out of the 3 people forgave me. It was like a huge weight was lifted and the burden of that was gone. I still don't feel like I deserve to be happy about things, though sometimes, and I get reminded of what I did, but if you can forgive yourself even for a moment, it is a step in the right direction. The main thing is, (at least from what I am gathering from your post) is that you have changed and are sorry. That is a HUGE accomplishment right there. hugs to you (if that is ok) and good luck