Hi Shezbut,

Relationships, women, friends, all these subjects are so frustrating for me. I would love to have a relationship and a circle of friends, but not matter where I am or who I am with, it's always the same issue for me. People here on PC and mental health professionals tell me that, no, I am not unlovable and I am good enough, that I haven't found the 'right' person yet, whatever that means, but everywhere I look I am rejected, shunned, ignored, or simply not good enough for others, and certainly not good enough to be loved, which doesn't inspire confidence in me.

All this does make me feel incredibly resentful and bitter towards women and human contact. To constantly throw myself out there in an attempt to socialize and interact with others and leave with the same experience each time does this to me. It's one thing to think positively the first few times, it's another thing to feel alienated and frustrated after several dozens of failed attempts that all mirror each other. Socializing works like this for me…

1.) Working on social skills and being active in the community while also dealing with mental health issues.
2.) Feeling optimistic about meeting someone and attempt to interact with others.
3.) Begin interacting with others. Goes terribly wrong or it doesn't happen. Am rejected, shunned, ignored, or whatever.
4.) Feel suicidal and unlovable as well as hateful towards others and socially withdraw.
1.) Working on social skills…

There's my social life in a nutshell from birth to now. It's a painful cycle that severely damages my self-esteem. Another favourite statement used by others is that I am still young and have many years ahead of me, something I hope isn't true because I don't know how much more I can take of this, but the fact of the matter for me is that as the years go by, nothing really changes. Whether I am 21 years or 4 years old, the issues I have socializing with others and being disliked or rejected by almost everyone remains the same. I was told that university students are more mature and I would do better socializing there. You know what happened? I was the student that everyone else seemed to intentionally ignore and isolate in addition to being mocked and insulted. Oh, yeah, what an improvement that was from high school! My social life now is exactly the way it was as a child, except now I have access to the Internet. Being told that I have many years ahead of me is rather counterproductive.

What I feel is that I truly am defective and unlovable and that there is no reason for me to attempt to interact with others. Even as a child I believed I would inevitably die alone, and that predication looks accurate to me. Shutting down the Internet and ceasing to exist is what I feel like doing.

As for the cause, I am involved with causes outside myself that I believe in and it does help for me to tolerate myself, but I find the constant rejection and being unlovable unbearable to deal with.