mention of sui thoughts.


I haven't seen this t since March or April. I felt really awful about how it ended. The things he said suggest he doesn't think it matters if I'm depressed. I said, therapy isn't working. He said he would suggest taking a break. He had also recently asked if I wanted to stop coming. He said, if this is good bye, celebrate your accomplishments in therapy. It was clear he doesn't/didn't care if I come back or if I feel like therapy didn't work- meaning I'm still depressed. He said it doesn't matter what he thinks about this stuff- pushing me to work on it isn't his job. But being pushy is exactly what he's doing. There's also another vague topic he's being cold and pushy about, related to my family, but that isn't on my mind quite as much. Instead of bringing it up, he kept hinting that I should have brought it up. (Whatever it is he has in mind, idk.)

I got more depressed than usual for a while in May/June. Thinking about sui, etc., though I know I'm not close to having courage to do it. I didn't and don't think that's his fault. The thoughts weren't caused by therapy but by thoughts like life sucks (and I couldn't really hope therapy would help anymore).

Anyway, I know he constantly swings back and forth between being ridiculously positive and supportive and being really cold and pushy for a therapist. So I thought if I decided to go back, he might be on his upswing into supportive mode. I'm not sure why, but I emailed for another appointment. He replied, "of course you can make an appointment." That's ALL it took. One sentence and I am SO relieved- he doesn't want to get rid of me like the stuff he said last time could have implied. And I feel like maybe he cares again, etc., even though my brain remembers he's pretty indifferent.

I HATE this/him/myself. Why am I such a wimp when I'm mad at him. It always only takes him saying one remotely nice thing and I stop having all the awful feelings, and then he can keep jerking me around again the next time. He'll probably be nice when I go back (I hope). Then in a few sessions, if I keep talking to him, he'll say something that he knows is likely to imply the exact opposite to me- something even more hurtful than last time.

And he never knows a fraction of my thoughts about this (or anything) because he talks so dam* much. He only wants to hear my immediate reactions and doesn't give me a second to think of what I'd say if he'd shut his mouth for half as long as normal people do.

Sometimes I can sense "the man behind the curtain". He is mostly indifferent and all the ridiculous excessive support and the nastiness are both meaningless. He doesn't care or know quite what he's doing; he's just messing around, pushing buttons. When I know this, how does the crap he says keep affecting me so much.