Mr. Venomous

I took DBT group classes about 2 years ago ~ lasting one year. In the group, we discussed how victims of abuse often develop necessary protective behaviors in early childhood. As we get older, and our lives change, we still hold onto those same behaviors...which results in problems. Typically, the same problem over and over again. Like: some girls pick the same "loser type" of guy and keep running into the law, financial difficulties, drugs, etc.

It did take me a while for me to see and admit that I've developed unhealthy patterns in my childhood as well. Absolutely understandable and necessary when I was a child and early teen. But, I continued with my pattern and avoided going the right way in life. Instead, I stuck with what I knew. I did challenge myself to some new things, but I was still the same person inside. Absolutely terrified of myself, for some unknown reason. I couldn't stand the thought of being alone, so I kept starting relationships with guys who were really nice (friends). I gave into their sexual desires (because that's what I knew) as incentive keep the guy by my side. Attraction never really entered into the equation for me. What a pos, I know!

That was a big mistake that I continued to make for many years. I married my friend. I really cared about him a lot and I tried hard to be in love, but it just didn't work & we divorced after 15 years of marriage. : ( I absolutely hated myself! Blamed myself for everything & wanted to die, to put this world out of it's misery, having my phony baloney around. I felt SO guilty and shameful, I couldn't stand it!! Thankfully, my ex-hub stood behind his decision not to get back together in times of which I was weak.

As you can see, it's taken me a LONG time to learn about myself and make some necessary changes in my lifestyle. I didn't enjoy it at all! I have been in the mental hospital a few times since we've ended our marriage. It hasn't been easy ~ but I have also made some emotional progress. I *think* that I've changed my familiar pattern in life. I still get paranoid sometimes, but the feeling isn't as intense, long-lasting, and talking openly with my bf makes the feeling go away. {My ongoing fear is always that I'm just a piece of meat to my bf ~ that he doesn't really care about ME.} My bf reassures me that I'm all that he ever needs.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off into a huge description of my life! I just wanted you to see that I really can understand where you're coming from, and that it takes a lot of work as well as a long time to get through deeply embedded patterns that we carry. The patterns can be changed, but it takes time and focus, over and over again.

Gentle hugs to you!