Want to cut so bad! I am craving slicing myself badly! I am so depressed right now with absolutely nobody to talk. I want to feel something even if it is the pain of a knife! I have so much pain right now it is ripping me apart! Here is a letter I wrote to myself last night because I was home alone and feeling hysterical. Don't even know if it makes sense! But here it is:
What happened to me? Where do I go?
Was I fooling myself into thinking had a strength that I never really had.
Is there a reason nobody wants to be around me?
Am I so bad to be around?
It hurts so much so often!
Want wouldn’t my head slow down and find peace.
My mirror is not my friend anymore its hard to look at. All I see is pain.
The knife is sometimes all I can feel the pain the knife the blood is all I can see and feel sometimes.
Happiness is so start lived you can’t stay.
Why can’t my heart, head, and soul just rest for a short time.
There is a good girl in this body. I know there is.
When I hurt people I don’t want to or mean to the pain drives me.
Don’t take that knife it hurts. Its two steps back a half step forward.
I fight and fight and fight some more. I am so tired of fighting for that half step.
I don’t want to die but existing is so painful sometimes!
I am tired of being taken care of.
My body bares the scars of my fight with the devil of pain.


Jennifer