I learned my -- now ex -- boyfriend is bipolar a couple of weeks ago. Many of my friends (including him) responded as if I am completley stupid to have not figured this out on my own. Even he said 'you knew' -- as if it was my responsibility to figure it out on my own.

The truth is I did not know. I had suspicions. But I did not know, further I didn't know that HE knew. I didn't even know enough about bipolar at the time and how "real" of a condition it is to know the seriousness of it and that it applied to him. I have struggled with depression at times in my life so I am familiar with it. However I never thought of depression as a lifelong illness like bipolar is. I didn't know it was something one would need to be treated for forever. I didn't know the divorce rate was sky high and I didn't know how many of our issues could be related to his bipolar and not so much to me (as he'd have me beleive for so long).

In hindsight I do feel a bit naive -- but I do have codependent tendencies myself, I'm what you might call 'over functional' and I've been to CBT in the past, enough to know I have a tendency to be overly hard on myself at times but no major concerns, except I have a tendency to struggle to trust myself if a loved one is in conflict with me. I take things to heart, work on myself, try to improve. My compassion can get confused a bit to the point I might enable and in the last 10-15 years I've recongized it enough to be concerned in relationships where I might feel taken for granted. I'm a nice person and have learned to set boundaries, take care of myself before others and generally function well....except when things become murky and that is where I am. I'm trying to process this relationship with a bipolar man.

I need to know what was him, what was his illness, what was us, all this thinking even to the point of wondering if I'm bipolar too (as the arguements could get so out of control it's hard to know).

I broke things off, and not for the first time. This time I'm sticking to it, and frankly I doubt he wants me back now after the things I said -- yet I've been suprised before. We have broken up 3 or 4 times over 7 months and only the last two times did I know he was bipolar, and only about 3 weeks apart (one attempt at me to breakup, he was back by that night after I dropped off all his things) and finally the other day I angrily ended it after feeling so depleted, so hurt, so tired, so no longer myself. So tired of hope being crushed.

What frustrates me most is I didn't know he was bipolar. If I'd known I feel I could have been a better partner, could have mitigated damage to both of us (I think I'd have been more knowledgable about what to do...when to walk away, when to disengage and stop asking questions, and my expectations might have been different). As it was, I allowed myself to be pulled into the ups and downs and logically ask 'why' when there was no logical answer to find and no experience in my past to relate his behavior to other than -- maybe he's right, maybe I am mean, unreasonable, a nag, belittling, hurtful, etc. Perhaps he was right that I could have not said something or did something a certain way to set him off.

I noticed early on he had issues with honest adult communications. I attributed this to being male (an extreme case however...) and his excuse was his parents didn't communicate well so he never learned to. I noticed inconsistencies early on with lies about pot smoking (he didn't smoke, he used to, he quit, then started again). We would fight frequently because I'd ask what I Thought were reasonable questions about his frequency of use (once I got over the fact he'd lied to me about quitting). I thought his reactions were way to extreme.

I've dated pot smokers in the past. Usually, once the discomfort of the knowledge is out in the open, they are quick to let me know how much they are using as they want to be accepted. He changed his story constantly and would shut down and get angry any time I asked about it or called him on his inconsistencies. He knew I didn't want to be with a 'pothead' based on past experiences of my own. I told him it was even more important to me to be with someone who is honest and it was to his benefit to be who was with me, so we could decide if we were compatible and I told him I didn't understand why it was so hard for me to just tell me who he was (in hindsight I get this a bit more now even in writing it out...he didn't want to be left again as he's divorced and it was an issue for his wife...and he truly might not know who he is. I think he even said that but I could not accept the answer, it makes more sense now).

As he opened up (or rather I forced the answer after another extreme fight). I flat out asked him if he was bipolar and why he was on prozac. He told me the truth though not exactly with a smile on his face. He'd known most of his life and is 45, though they didn't know what to call it when he was a kid.

I was hurt I didn't know but also felt so much damage had already been done. I'm a sensitive person and was treating him as an equal and probably expected more of him than he's capable...and I didn't get the chance to supportive and understanding of his illness, and he could judge me for that -- but I was dating someone I didn't fully know. We had already talked about marriage and moving in together. I felt hurt he didn't have the opportunity to know me as me -- with the information about him I'd have had different reactions.

Even after I learned more (like pulling teeth) the ups and downs made more sense and I did more research. I thought of all the painful fights (he left me in another city on my birthday, I still dont know how he got home as I had the car -- the first major breakup though he said he just 'left' but I broke up with him...huh?)

I ended up getting us back together after that and he told me 'no more fighting' and made me believe I had a huge role in whether we fight or not. I apolgozied for hurting him yet made clear his actions were wrong. At any rate I tried to make things work. I loved him but knew something was off. I wanted to see if me being, gentler, kinder, more accepting of 'who he is' though I didn't know it included bipolar would make the relationship work.

I apologize for the length here. I'm 35 and devestated (well, I'm actually doing ok it's more like a slow death I'm now recovering from, the dissapointment, disillusion, etc.). I thought we would get married and obviously we had some very good times and high highs and were generally quite compatible in ways I hadn't been with someone else. Physically we were a great couple and for me that is unsual in that I don't tend to get into reltaionships quickly or with many men. I've been selective and choosy and have had long periods of being single.

I had my doubts sure, but I think I just did not know how to place this guy and now it all makes so much more sense. But not in time to save the relationship.

Mostly it was the conflict and escalation of the conflict and his poor ability to communicate with me -- he was easily set off and often had to physically leave me and to me this constant abandonment became too much. I have abandonment issues and I believe he started to capitalize on it, knowing how to hurt me. I also know he just doesn't know how to properly deal with conflict or perceived criticism and conflict though I never had intentions of hurting him. To me conversatoins and questions were normal parts of dating and getting to know someone.

For example, we'd be texting each other all lovey dovey and I would ask a question about his dog or plans and I'd start to know when he would 'think' I was being critical even though I wasn't....and it never went well. Yet I had a hard time stopping this because in my mind this is crucial to a relationship. You need to be able to discuss preferences, issues, compromises and yes, plans and maybe even make real dates without flying off the handle, running and hiding or giving the silent treatment.

I guess what I am looking for is support, knowledge and validation. That I am not so horrible as he'd have me believe. How to help him if he comes back without hurting him more (I said some hateful things during the breakup as it was too hard at that point to disassociate my own emotions from how he was acting toward me). I've questioned whether or not to contact his mother as she's close to him and might need to know I thought his behavior was escalating (panic attacks, up all night, fighting, refriended his ex girlfiend who seems to have similiar issues on facebook the same day we broke up and I'm sure he's already sleeping with her...another reason I'm sure I'm walking away this time...and spending too much money impulsivley). I know I can't help him now but is the responsible thing to let someone know who can?

I want to learn as much as possible. I'm joining a support group for women in the next couple of weeks where the theme is codependancy. I don't think I overly codependent but I used to be which is why this all scared me so much, I've had tendencies to detach from people because I'm so inclined to caretake and modify my own behavior for people like this. I want to learn what was him and what I can improve in myself and what I just need to write off as a bad experience and move on with my self esteem in tact.

I have learned a lot already and I am sympathetic. I think the hardest thing is feeling guilty for not being able to help someone like this, wanting to walk away and dealing with still loving someone anyway. It has to be hard to be bipolar but I have to feel sorry for myself too.

He is on meds but our last fight had to do with coming over to my house on a sleeping pill. I needed him that night as I was dealing with family issues and he was falling asleep mid sentence and acting weird, I'd have been fine if hed told me he needed to go to bed but he said that's not why he took it. He takes prozac, abilify and ambien. self medicates with weed (supposedly in the past and not as much now) he also drinks a whole lot of energy drinks. I don't know how recently he got on these particular meds.

We used to fight because he went to bed so early or would take sleeping pills without telling me. I just wanted to KNOW so I could do something else! I didn't need to go to bed. Throw in the fact I didn't even know he was bipolar and really needed sleep...what a recipe for conflict.

I feel guilty about our last fight because I know now he needs meds and sleep. It's the fact he didn't communicate to me what he was doing while I was hoping to speak with him after a long trip and seeing each other for the first time, and he was drinking an energy drink at the same time. He took the sleeping pill before even entering my house. I asked, couldn't you have waited an hour til after we'd spoken and caught up and then taken your ambien? He argued and said it didn't matter, doctors orders and he wasn't going to sleep anyway. Obviously he was acting odd and slurring his words or I'd not have noticed or demanded he tell me what he was on at the time.

He left again at 3 in the morning though I pleaded with him not to go. I let him sleep while I stayed on my balcony and reflected on my own troubles/trip home since he wasn't there to talk with me and I understood. He got up and yelled at me since I didn't come to bed with him, though I thought he was asleep and quite frankly I didn't want to as I was processing what had happened and my own troubles. Turns out he'd been awake the whole time just steaming mad. I pleaded with him not to leave me again and he did anyway. I broke up with him in the morning.