Welcome to PC, Me.again! I know it took a lot of courage to post and talk about what you're feeling. I'm not sure from your post how old you are (not asking you to post that), but my answer relates to where you are in your life's journey. If you're still in high school, you have some "free options". There are school counselors and school psychologists in most high schools who are HIRED to service all the student in the school . .. yes, it's true that they are usually tied up providing services to the children who are out of control with their behavior or who have significant behavioral/learning disabilities. . . BUT, they are also there for any and ALL students.

If you are still in high school, I hope you have a teacher, counselor or school person who you feel is trustworthy. It doesn't have to be anyone who you'd "pour your heart out to", just someone you believe and trust has student's best interest in mind. This is the person to start with. Talk to this person, let them know that you are confused and struggling a bit. They will help you or find someone who can help you.

If you're NOT a high school student and living at home, I know that can be difficult. If you can call some of the local "mental health clinics" you might find one that has some openings. You might want to ask a friend or supporter, to "give you a lift" to an appointment. Talk to the person and see if they can give you a hand in sorting through these things. I recognize the thoughts as things many of us suffer from when growing up, but they seem deeply entrenched and troublesome to you. I think you deserve a good and understanding therapist to sort through the thoughts. Good luck!