Thats what I feel like saying to all of the people I know in real life. I want to stay in bed and avoid people. I can't control my moods anymore, or my thoughts... so I figure I'm in another downward spiral again?

Good thing is that I can still eat, so I suppose it could be worse. I'd love to be able to fall asleep before morning though.

I wish for a lot of things. Like me being able to scream yell or cry and keep doing it until I feel better. Ever felt like you were dead inside and numb and that the world had lost all colour, meaning and purpose?

I'm not alright, and people who keep asking me if I am keep getting a lie, but its so $&@! hard to not do it. I'm trying to keep it together I really am. I'm trying to not let the bad thoughts and distortions win, but when they just pop up out of nowhere... I can't stop them. I wish I could stop lying to everyone. I wish I had told my counsellor how much I hated myself before she left to go on vacation for two months. But I didn't.

I wish I could tell my family about how miserable I am, but I'm just "melodramatic" or "emotional" or my personal favourite, when you're depressed you have the "option" of getting better.

I wish I could have a do-over. I want to restart my life and not have made so many mistakes which are making me miserable now. All I see is regret and stuff I should have done. Should have, could have. My first T's expression "Stop shoulding yourself" comes into play. But I can't help it. "Stop saying you're a burden to everyone". I've always felt that way, why didnt anyone tell me it was wrong before? Why am I still whining and complaining? I'm stuck in a rut of my own making aren't I? *sighs*

I'm sorry I'm such a pain ... I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.