Yeah after you mentioned this in your reply to me:

It made completee sense to me to see empathy as an internal and or or external feeling. I to have problems showing affection to others, even to immediate family, I rarely ever do hugs unless I have to out of respect to someone within my family circle, who isn't so aware of my issues with hugs. Kisses are only to my mom, grandma and grandpa, more of a habit then a natural thing. But other than that I have to work really hard to show any external empathy toward others so I don't seem cold or uncaring, because of the non-verbal cues I may miss, or because I may not know what to say or how to deal with someones problem even though on the inside internally I want to do everything I can to fix their problems, fight their fights.

But all I can do is listen and give some advice, hoping I don't say something impolite or take something they say the wrong way, or a look the have on their face, and body language the wrong way, missing that connection. I tend to get into many fights, arguments and the such with others because of things I can't understand, I have lost friends due to the social communication issues I have, my temperment, maturity, I'm mature is a lot of areas, but in others I have the maturity of a child, mostly when it comes to behavior, emotions, and my social skills.

I literally don't know how to express my feeling and emotions verbally, when talking to my Mom for example she will ask how I feel, why I am acting a certain way etc, and I can't find words to decribe how I feel, thus becomming either extremely agitated and frustrated, or so drained I become very quiet almost non-verbal, which niether helps because she gets angry either way. My mom shows signs of bipolar and traits of bpd, and my 17yr old sister, my dad, and myself have confronted her on it, but she denies anything is going on, needless to say no matter how I approach an awkward situation and she is in a "mood" and Im on the verge of a meltdown, because I am missing something communication wise, verbal/non-verbal, or I can't figure out if her anger was due to something I said or did and if I ask her about it she gets more upset and basically says "not everything is about you" making me even more confused, and frustrated and needless to say it will never end well. My Mom isn't a horrible person or mother at all, she is an extremely nice person a person who likes to be aroung others very extroverted, but she has her own issues and that's when things get bad. But I love her and care about her deeply, in 2008 on Thanksgiving night she almost, well was dead for 93 seconds due to a massive heartattck, and everyone around me was crying, upset etc when we got the call, my youngest sister and I were at my grandparents, my middle sister was at home and called 911. But while everyone had visible emotion and such, I showed no visible emotion, I didn't cry, I was upset I was scared, I almost lost my mom, but I had no ability to express any of that emotion verbally or externally. I felt really bad for not showing emotion, but I just can't, and others see it as Im cold or self centered, when Im really hurting on the inside.

So because of all of my issues I have a tendency to spend my days as an observer/listener, and about 85% to 90% of my days are spent in silence, and it doesn't bother me, but it bothers everyone else. And I have no idea how Im going to bring any of this up to my T or the pdoc I will be seeing, more things to figure out, it just doesn't stop.

Apologies for my rambling, and thanks for your understanding.