Is there anyone else you can talk to about your conflicted feelings? (That you know it's bad but you want to keep doing it?) It sounds like this is your form of self-destructive behavior more than anything. Maybe exploring why you want to do this to yourself when you know it is bad... like why you feel the need to punish yourself, destroy your body and life, and hurt others around you in this way.

But know others are here for you to talk to and support you, no matter what.