Hey all,

Thanks for the support. And thanks Rohag for the URL, I sent off a letter to them. Though not expecting much. Seems the whole ER is incapable of working with people with mental health issues. I was back in there brought in by police for a near suicide attampt. They put me in a room that closely resembles the room I was abused most in as a child. I couldn't stand to be in there more than 30 minutes before the flashbacks got out of control. I had to get out of the room. I called the doctor and told him I couldn't take it anymore, I had to leave before something bad happens. I have seen the PTSD fight or flight take over, I nearly killed my brother.

The doctor threatens me saying "Your not leaving, if you try to leave we will hold you down, put you in restraints and sedate you". Then tells security "Take his shoes". They didn't get my shoes. At 6 staff just stood there looking at me. I sat in the room as much as I could, terrified of hurting someone.

The nurse kept asking me if I wanted adivan or some other tranqulizer. I never want those in that condition because in that state of mind I was in I felt being sedated would make me less able to protect myself. I hate to say it but for a big guy, a lot scares me. Anything resembling the past abuse sets it off.

See, when I was a child, my mom used psych hospitals as punishments for me. When I did something to make her mad she would call the children's psych ward and lie saying I was suicidal and had tried to kill myself. I was never suicidal going into those places as a kid. Once there, the staff abused me. Frequently putting me in restraints, drugging me into sleep for days at a time, locking me in the solitary room overnight, turning off the solitary room lights making it nearly pitch black. So when someone shuts off the lights in the room I am in a freak out, and freak out during black outs. I freak out in rooms where the door is closed. I freak out when threatened with restraints and/or being sedated. Anything reselmbling what was done to me.

My spinal injury happened to me in the psych ward as a teen. So my fear of staff at hospitals isn't random. It's learned. So when I am at a hospital my blood pressure rises, my body tenses up, my hearing seems to intensify to levels I am not used to....my body just feels as if someone is about to run in and attack me at any time. I hate that feeling.

Then when I have a doctor who is dead set on not working with me and is threatening restraints, and to put me in restraints in a room that 99.9% resembles the room I was attacked in as a child in the psych wards, I freak out. And in such a environment, sedation would have made me feel MORE anxious as I would have felt my safety was more comprimised because I was sedated and less able to protect myself.

Anyway I tried to stay in the room another 20 but that was the absolute max I could sit there. I got my bag and walked out of the room. The security guard put his hands on my chest trying to push me backward. He weighs maybe 190, I weight 385, I have the weight advantage of brute force. Which is a brakethrough I had in therapy. I gained the weight subcouncously so I would be bigger and people wouldn't want to try to hurt me and would move on to a smaller target.

I told him, I couldn't stay in that room anymore, that I had to leave. He continued trying to push me back saying "no, go back in the room". It would take far more than the 6 of them to get me back into that room. To me, it was the same room from my past. And going back in there meant I would be hurt. I wasn't going back in there over my dead body.

Finally the guard asked if he let me sit in the hall would I stay. I agreed and it defused the situation. As long as I didn't have to go back in that room was all I cared about. Then 2 1/2 hours later the guard shift change. The new guard tells me "When I want to sit down, your going back in your room". The guard who was working with me said he would stay awhile more till mental health picked me up to make sure nothing happens.

I was taken to mental health for the evaluation but was so keyed up I lied and said I wasn't suicidal. By then I just wanted to be back home where I felt safe and in control. Which pisses me off becuase I went through all of that for help and because a ER doctor didn't want to work with me on the PTSD issue I my anxiety just said run, and thus I lied about how I really felt just to get away from what my anxiety deemed was a threat.

So now a little over 24 hours since this incident took place and I am even more of a mess. My mind keeps replaying the doctors threat, and then playing out different ways it could have played out. None of them good. I keep seeing them all piling onto me, taking my shoes off so I can't get a grip on the tile floor, dragging me back into the room, and tying me to the bed and then injecting me turning off the lights and closing the door leaving me in a very similar situation as I was in as a teen.

Each time these scenes play out in my mind, or just a rerun flashback of what happened I have a anxiety attack. My body tenses up, my breathing shallows and my heart races. I know I can't keep this up much longer. My blood pressure was very high. I was told if my blood pressure kept shooting up like that, I am not far from having a heart attack. And each flashback shoots the blood pressure right back up to the danger level again. I just can't take these flashbacks. I am tired of reliving people hurting me, or threatening to do things to me which I know would result in injury to me. Either I am going to die from a heart attack soon, or this is going to drive me to suicide.

I feel like I am going to explode. Being able to come here and share about what's going on helps. But I just don't know what to do. I just know I can't do this very much longer. Something has to change. I tried explaining the situation to my mom whom I talk to rarely due to her part in the abuse as a child, she just told me I am crazy. She doesn't seem to grasp how serious the situation is.

I have never been so suicidal before. Maybe I would feel bad for 10-12 hours, but never have I been suicidal for days at a time, going in and out of the ER so many times in one week trying to survive. I am just out of ideas and can't handle asking the ER for any more "help". Thier so called "help" is just making things worse. Anyway, thanks for listening everyone. **hugs**

-Stanley