What does a healthy friendship/relationship look like when it's not win/lose???? Sorry for the long post and thank you all so much for posting. [/quote]


Geez:
Once you lose that feeling of dependence on people that remind you of your mother (or whomever belittled you, abused you) things will improve for you, but for me that took many years. If a friend has a mean streak and takes it out on you (I call them frenemies), then you are better off without them. There are predators that sense that you are vulnerable. You're better off with no friends than with someone who makes you feel low, especially when you're trying to cope with PTSD. I finally found my voice (though it needs work), I cut off a frenemy who would drink and then insult me. I stopped phoning my mother, realized it's a toxic relationship and the cruel patterns would always repeat themselves. I was told to cut off my family completely, but I have a strong relationship with my father so I put up with my mother. My brother is an alcoholic, he has ruined his home life; we don't speak. He told me a few years ago that he started drinking at 14, before school. He fooled the rest of us--my parents are still in denial. He appears to be bi-polar with rather extreme manic episodes, like my grandmother, and he refuses to get help. He is middle aged so I don't have much hope for him, he doesn't contact anyone, though he used to if he needed something. The cycle of abuse and mental illness just continues--I am the only one in my family that sought help, and things have improved, though I've had setbacks. Years ago I was oblivious of the damage that was done and that my childhood was anything but normal.

It takes time. I guess I finally found the courage to speak up for myself when put in a difficult position--so no more passivity or freezing (for now). If you are depressed or in a depression then you really need to avoid toxic people, those were often the times when I would dissociate. You'll start feeling like a "winner" though I would say strong, and consider yourself a survivor rather than a victim. You might need to detach from your husband if he eggs you on and you need peace for your own sanity, that's what I do. Don't engage in arguments, go read or do something on your own that will put you in a better place. One problem that I still need to overcome is how to tone it down now that I've found my voice. Being hypervigilant means I wind up in confrontations that I wish I'd walked away from.

Geez, if your friend is pushing you to be social and you don't want to be, then I would explain that you're not ready, if you trust her then describe to her what's going on in your mind. I've had to push myself to go places. I usually don't want to attend parties, I then force myself to go and wind up having a great time. Each positive experience builds strength.

Thanks for the welcome Geez and Open Eyes.

Yes, you're right about dissociation (open eyes) I guess everyone experiences it, though I am not referring to happy daydreams or flow, but a terrifying state in which I have no control and trouble functioning. I have driven in the wrong direction, totally lost track of time, then snapped out of it and was able to get to my doctor or find my way. In my case it was depression brought on by trauma and dealing with toxic people. This is the forum where I'll find those who can relate--so thank you.

Thanks for the welcome!

zzzcat