In response to the replies in the thread…

Yes, I am frustrated and upset by the continuous loneliness I endure, because it's hard to deal with. I've spent my entire life alone and I desperately want someone to connect with that I can spend real time with and not have to send emails to. Albeit emails are fine, the fact of the matter is that "((((((((((())))))))))" doesn't quite replace an actual hug, which I have not had for several years now. In fact I have been so lonely in my life that I wasn't aware of what a "hug" was until I was 17 years old, and even now it is still rather foreign and exciting when I think about hugs.

Anyway…

No, I don't talk about issues with rejection, depression, self-harm, or any of those subjects with women. I am honest and upfront about being diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, because there is nothing I can do about that and I think it's easier for women to understand that, "Hey, this guy is a little different," and have a word for it than when or if we ever meet have them thinking, "What is wrong with him?"

For the date that is the subject of this thread I made sure I was clean and hygienic before coming, wore some of my favourite clothes like a tarantula shirt, and arrived 30 minutes early because I think being late is not fashionable, it is rude, and I am obsessively punctual.

I disagree with the liking oneself statements because I don't believe it takes into consideration what endless isolation and loneliness feels like and how self-esteem is. What I think is a much more rational belief is that a social life/support system compliments self-esteem, which is what my counselor has said. Having individuals in my life that genuinely care about me and are there for me would help me improve my self-esteem and help me learn to 'like' myself.

For example, as users on PC know, I like to do macro insect photography in the summer, which I have been doing more regularly for about a year now. In 2011, I had several times self-harmed as punishment for bad photos, until I risked sending them to my best friend in the United States; she responded that they were incredible. I thought, "Oh, umm, okay?" Now in 2012 I have a DSLR camera and have been self-harm free for 3 months. Had I not had that kind of support, I wouldn't have been 3 months sober, I wouldn't have continued to do photography, and I might very well have committed suicide, which I had planned to do in 2011 before I started to talk to her about mental health issues I have.

It makes much more sense to me that self-esteem is largely reflected back at an individual by those around them. I can't create feelings of confidence and of liking myself in me when I am alone all the time, rejected, unloved, and disliked virtually everywhere I am. To say I must like myself first I feel disregards what it is like to have a low self-esteem and to have few, if any, individuals in your life that care about you.

A lot of the time I could sit here and cry endlessly because all I want is someone that I can connect with and that really cares about me to be in my life, but all I receive are rejections. I would like to be hugged, have someone to chat and spend time with, someone that cares what I have to say, and maybe someone to celebrate my birthday with, which I haven't done in years because nobody cares. 2012 was the first time in a long time that someone did anything for me for my birthday, and that was my best friend in the U.S. that mailed me some things.

Notwithstanding my social and mental health issues, I find that I have a hard time interacting with others and being accepted simply because of my interests and passions. You'd be surprised at how many times I've been rejected because I raise tarantulas and have been insulted for wanting to become a bus driver, even by those several years older than me. I've nearly ceased telling others about what I am passionate about and what I want to do because it's always thrown back in my face.

I feel like I am still the weirdo nobody likes in the schoolyard - that hasn't changed even if my age has.

I don't feel like I am asking for too much from others. I'm not rude, I don't swear, I don't talk about my mental health issues, all I want is to connect with someone, and sometimes all I want is to talk to someone that is at least close to my age and not paid to talk to me.