I also do IFS therapy and attempt EMDR. I could have written exactly what you have written here. So, I totally understand.

"Anyway, i've held in and resisted my pain for a very long time. I've been afraid of it, afraid to feel it, afraid it would kill me. And, when trying to confront the pain in therapy over the years, it has often been too overwhelming and destabilized me. In fact, i am not a good candidate for EMDR because of this."

"Once i expell some of the stored up energy, by crying and releasing it, i do feel some relief. But the next day, i feel stirred up again, as though there is alot more under the surface. I actually feel more needy, and need to email my t more. Once we have started accessing it, I have trouble putting a lid on it until the following week."

"For the part of me that holds pain, it seems like unburdening the pain will leave an empty shell with nothing in it, or that this part of me would disappear."

"I feel like for some reason i am just not good at trauma work. It stirs me up but i can't get rid of it. i don't know "how."