** trigger for childhood physical abuse **

I just came from the hardest session I've ever had. A couple of weeks ago, something came up for me that I swore I would never, ever talk to any T about. I never intended for it to come up, but, as so often happens, it popped out.

I went into session this morning convinced that I'd made a big deal out of nothing and that I no longer thought of it as a big deal. T suggested that I was simply trying to "take it back" so I wouldn't have to deal with the hurt. He started asking me questions about what had happened and how I had responded. Near the end, he recapped what I'd told him, looked at me and said "that's what an abused child does."

I'm floored and in shock. I have never thought of what my parents did as abuse. I thought every kid got spanked and hit the way I was. Every kid learned not to cry so as not to further anger her parent. Every kid blamed herself for not reading her parent's mood correctly.

Naming it as abuse is terrifying, even though I'm far from being that small vulnerable child. I'm still shaking.