I have just got off the phone to my auntie (my cousins nan, its a confusin family tree, basically my cousin kellie who poured the alcohol over the grave is my cousins daughter, if that helps). I have had an arguement with my auntie and i said i dont ever wanna speak to them again, am i over reacting because i get the impression no one in my family cares that much.

im not in a good mood today to be honest, i feel let down and insulted and completely alone in this, i just think its bad what she has done but i cant see why nobody cares in this family!

Over the last few months ive decided not to drink any alcohol, or take any drugs because of what its done/doing to my family and my life. I never have done drugs, i have drank socially before but never badly, but now im stoppin alltogether, for good. Im glad i dont drink or smoke, and it has been interesting to see peoples response to it, so many of friends/colleagues cant understand why i dont drink, i am 19 years old afterall, it seems the "done" thing to do, but ive never been one to follow the crowd and i dont let the insults and mickey taking effect me, because i have reasons for doing these things and i wont let anyone put me down for that, i dont care what people at my age are meant to do, who has the right to tell me what i should be doin with my life. I just get the feeling nobody understands me at times and i feel i cant connect with my friends and colleagues because ive experiencced so much more than them and their lives seem shallow, for instance, the other day a woman in work was crying because she hadnt spoken to her boyfriend for a day, she seemed so unhappy and that makes me feel wierd because thats nothing to get upset about.im not saying her life is shallow, because to her it isnt, but i dont like seeing people gettin upset over pointless things, because they dont realise how easy they have had it compared to others. Does anyone else go through this with people around them.

There was one good thing that came out of today, i was complimented for making so many people laugh and a friend in work who doesnt lead such a shallow life said that nearly everyone in there likes me (theres about 50 people in there)and he hasnt heard a bad word about me, and that people see me as a lively, funny, friendly and trustworthy person, and that does make me feel great to hear that, cos i love to make people laugh, to see someone laugh at something ive just said is a great feeling. He could be making it up for all i know, he could be saying it to make me feel better, but it still does make me feel good. I feel i got so much to offer the world and im so excited about gettin out there and giving it to so many people. Ive promised myself that i will write a book about my life and i will use it hopefully to inspire people and show that even the deepest and darkest depths of depression have an escape route. Everything i went through had to happen and it happened for a reason, how can i hate that, i mean, fair enough, its the hardest thing i think i will have ever gone through but it had to be done, it was sent to test me and i proud i passed, my mum tought me a great lesson actually, i really struggle to see the negatives in all the bad things ive been through, thats why i feel i have alot to offer and express.
I wrote loads again! sorry, but i just have so much to say, so much to express, so again sorry for such a huge post but i hope you can withdraw alot from this. I dont want to sound like im "bigging" myself up or come across to you as though im big headed and cocky, im actually the opposite, but here i have to express so it might just make me look like i always talk about myself.

Speak soon